Reel Suite - July 18, 2008

Happy post-Bastille Day!  Sorry it took so long for me to post, but I had writer's blog.  (That joke makes me laugh soooo much).  Actually, it took me this long to digest the experiences I've had for the last 7 days.  I am a transformed man.
 
As I mentioned in my entry from 7/1/08, last week I attended the annual Entertainment Industry Profits & Participations Conference in Virginia City, Montana, home of the Huckleberry Buffalo Meat Pie.  P&P Junior Execs from the U.S. and Winnipeg, Canada gathered for a weeklong dissection of the financial aspects of our industry.  Each night, I made some notes in my journal and I'd like to share them with you now:
 
Day One.  Historic Fairweather Hotel is abuzz with numbers crunchers from all over the country.  Very exciting.  I meet Dave Halliwell from Pantene Productions in Des Moines.  They produce short films and hair care products.  Like Dave very much.  Makes Michael Jackson joke that puts me on floor.  Hoping he'll be my best buddy here.  Go to Community Center for conference.  Keynote speaker is Steve Guttenberg.  Tells us he hasn't seen any backend on TV movie "Meet the Santas" and wonders if we can do anything about that.  Dave produces flask of Malibu Rum and we sneak out.  We hike up Cornucopia and drop large rocks down closed mineshaft.  Cannot hear them hit bottom.  Freaks us out.  I pass out in my twin bed at the Fairweather.  Hear dead Road Agent moaning all night.
 
Day Two.  Attend breakfast panel called "Huge Profits from Internet Streaming", discussing the challenge of concealing massive online revenue from creative teams behind movies & TV shows.  Panelists include Yair Landau from Sony Digital, Martha Wheelock from Ishtar Films, Puck from "Real World" season three, Warren Christopher and Eva Marie Saint.  I go to bathroom.  When I return, Dave has placed whoopee cushion on my chair.  We laugh like little girls.  Get kicked out.  Get hammered on Huckleberry Beer at Pioneer Bar.  Meet cast members from Virginia City Players.  They demand we come see them perform their one-hour rendition of "The Decalogue" followed by old-timey skits.  When they begin to sing Jerry Herman songs, we slink out and take Ghost Walk tour.  Learn about how Road Agents were hanged by "Vigilantes" in 1860's.  In Hangman's Building, feel hand on shoulder.  Look to see no one there.  Pee pants.  Try to call therapist, but no cell reception.  Cower all night in corner of hotel room.
 
Day Three.  Hungover.  Have breakfast at V.C. Cafe with Alli Grover from Random Lake Productions.  She demands I buy glittery ring for her from vintage jewelry shop next door.  I do so.  Feel emasculated, yet empowered.  She sips Bloody Mary and stares at ring, wide-eyed, chanting "Little girl in white dress", freaking me out.  Yet I am bewitched by her.  Dave and I attend panel, "Minimizing Profits: How to Lose Your Shirt While Painting Rosey Picture for Investors".  Producer from "Speed Racer" weeps openly on dais.  Christopher Cross closes with theme from "Arthur".  Dave and I grab Alli and take road trip to Butte.  We go to "Berkeley Pit", most contaminated body of water on planet.  Dave vomits for 20 minutes straight.  We watch in horror as flock of doves lands on surface and disintegrates.  On road back, we swerve to avoid deer, crash into tree and spend night unconscious in Subaru Legacy.
 
Day Four.  Andy Dick moderates panel called "Queer Cinema: Saving the Specialty Divisions".  Andy suddenly licks Harvey Weinstein's face, they fight, a mass brawl ensues.  Junior Execs versus Analysts.  Ruth Vitale puts Todd Solondz in a headlock, pummeling his face.

Dave and I escape, heading over to see show at Brewery Follies.  Sit in front row, get loaded on Gilbert beer.  Performer named Mike, dressed as woman singing "Bitch is Back", straddles me with legs, sticks crotch on my face.  Audience howls.  I am traumatized.  "Carlos of Love" makes eyes at me.  Day has become way too gay.  Later at Pioneer, Alli agrees to hold me and stroke my hair.  Her ring gets stuck.  We are forced to cut it out.  Now have chunk of hair missing.  Local Indian man drives us out to Ruby Dam, takes us on Spirit Quest.  We drop peyote and stare at stars.  Image of Mae Questal appears to me.  She implores me to find good woman and settle down.  She tells me I'm too skinny and to eat more corned beef.  She morphs into most beautiful shooting star I've ever seen.  I am irrevocably altered.
 
Day Five.  Closing day speaker, Steve Guttenberg.  Huckleberry cheese rots on table.  Weinstein throws cell phone through antique window.  Bear hug Dave.  Mets have won nine straight.  I smile as van takes me to airport.  Then stench from Mike's crotch returns.  I grimace.

Kurt Barnet