(Display Name not set)April 2010 Archives

Kyrle Lendhoffer:  Simon, it's good to see you.

Simon Ambrose: (giggling)  I see you, too!

KL:  Yes, you do.  Congratulations on Monkey Spanking Time.  An amazing show, yet very controversial.

SA:  Yeah...

KL:  It must have taken a lot of courage to write an entire show about the pleasures and variations of masturbating.  Why masturbating?

SA:  (giggling) Whack!

KL:  Whack?  What do you mean by "whack"?

SA:  Dude, I love it.

KL:  What do you love? 

SA:  To whack.

KL:  Oh, my. I see.

Simon giggled for a minute or so.  When he calmed down, the interview proceeded.

KL:  So tell me about Graveyards vs. Mars.  What is it about?

SA:  Dude, Earth is invaded by Mars.  And the Martians enslave us Earthlings.  And they're tall and green!

KL:  The Martians?

SA:  Huh?

KL:  The Martians. They're tall and green?

SA:  Oh, the Martians...

KL:  Are tall and green...

SA:  Totally!

KL:  And?

SA:  Huh?

KL:  And then what?

SA:  Oh yeah... Then the earth people wrack their brains for a way to get rid of the Martians.  Dude, nothing works.  Then this guy figures out that bringing back the dead in the form of brain eating zombies would be cool.

KL:  Really?

SA:  Huh?

KL:  So that's what the Graveyard part of the title refers to?

SA:  Yeah.  Graveyards vs. Mars.  How cool is that?

KL:  Cool, indeed.

SA:  Yeah...

KL:  The brain eating zombies... How do they know to only eat the brains of the Martians?

SA:  Dude! They don't! It gets totally intense!

KL:  Well, we wouldn't want to give away any more of the plot.  Let's talk about your process.  How did you come up with such an original and fascinating idea?

SA:  I worked on it a lot around 4:20 in the afternoon.

KL:  Intriguing.  So this time has some significance to you...

SA:  Well, yeah. 4:20.  Time to enter an altered state.  You know?

KL:  I love that movie.

SA:  Huh?

KL:  Altered States with William Hurt.  Powerful actor.  So, you mean you were getting in touch with your primal side?

SA:  Sure, that's it.

A giggling fit started here that lasted several minutes.  I have been told that many theatrical genius' get ideas while in a giggling fit.  I cannot image what was going through Simon's mind.

KL: Are you all right?

SA:  Whoo! Yeah... What were we talking about?

KL:  Altered States.

Simon had another giggling fit that lasted for approximately two minutes. I was overwhelmed to be in his presence.

KL:  Tell me what you're thinking about right now.

SA:  Dude, I could go for a cheeseburger.

KL:  A cheeseburger?

SA:  Right on! Feed the head - feed the face!

Such gems would continue to drip from the mouth of Simon Ambrose.  He was in such a creative frenzy that he laughed non-stop until we got him to White Castle where he ate several cheeseburgers.  "Fuel for the muse" I like to call it.  And what a muse does Ambrose have.  Graveyards vs. Mars opens very soon at the Manka Bros. Drama Garage.  Be there and sense the greatness.  I know I will.

Kyrle Lendhoffer has been writing "Behind the Proscenium" for Broadway Manka for over 20 years.  In that time he has had the pleasure (and burden) of interviewing some of the most powerful visionaries of modern theater. He studied Theatrical Criticism at Cal-State Northridge and Astro-physics at MIT.

I must admit that I was appalled.  Appalled, and then fascinated.  I was thumbing through Backstage West while sipping a Green Tea Frappuccino at Starbucks (oh, this is a horrid vice, but the Green Tea is so good - except I find that I'm getting a little belly, cute on the young and hairless but not so much on the middle aged) and in the back I saw an ad.  It was an ad for the "Straight Male Theater Group."  "Oh my God!" I thought, "the most entitled group in the history of theater needs a group?"  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Then I thought it must be a comedy group.  Then I thought I should just call their number and arrange an interview with their "leader."  I called, and two days later had set up an interview with Robert Blanton.  We met at a local coffee shop (not Starbucks - no Green Tea Frappuccino, sob) and we discussed Mr. Blanton's little group.

Kyrle Lendhoffer:  Mr. Blanton, why a "Straight Male Theater Group"?

Robert Blanton:  Well, Mr. Lendhoffer, like any other minority group we felt that we needed a support group.  A place we could go to and share our feelings of isolation.

KL:  You've got to be kidding me.

RB:  It's exactly that kind of attitude that makes the SMTG necessary.

KL:  SMTG?

RB:  The "Straight Male-

KL:  Yes, of course, I've got it.

RB:  You have no idea what it's like.  Say you're doing summer stock.  You show up for the first read-through of Annie Get Your Gun and your gay-dar is screaming like a fire alarm.  You realize that out of twenty-five men in the company that only five of you are straight.

KL:  But Mr. Blanton, that sounds like heaven.

RB:  How is that?

KL:  Five straight men and at least twenty straight chorus girls, not including the leads.  I would think that you would be happy as a little clam.

RB:  Oh, yeah, that part is fantastic.  Not at first... the women always think they can straighten out the gay ones.  Then after a week or so they realize that they're banging their heads against a pink wall.  That's when things get awesome.

KL:  I still don't get it.  What is there for you to complain about?

RB:  Well, there is the social aspect.  Yes, we're part of the company, but no one ever asks us what we think about their clothes or where there's a great place to dance or if we're having a good day.

KL:  Maybe they could ask you about NASCAR.

RB:  There you go again.  Just because I'm straight doesn't mean I like NASCAR.

KL:  Yes, it does.

RB:  No, it doesn't.

KL:  But you like football.

RB:  Well, yes, I do.  But I know lots of gay men who like football.

KL:  But for different reasons.

RB:  What?

KL:  I digress.  So you think you're being discriminated against?

RB:  Absolutely.  But it's very subtle.  Let me give you an example.  Just last year I was in a production of Urinetown.  One night I overhear a conversation and my fellow cast members are talking about an American Idol viewing party that they're all going to.  Have I heard about this viewing party?  No.  Were any of the straight guys invited to the viewing party?  No.

KL:  It's common knowledge that straight men only mock American Idol.  You wouldn't have been any fun at a party.

RB:  That's exactly what I'm talking about!  That's bullsh!t!  I love American Idol!  I just happen to like sex with women!  What's wrong with that?

KL:  Some people find that icky.  And I don't believe you.

RB:  Oh yeah?  Season one winner, Kelly Clarkson.  Season two, Rueben Studdard.  Season three, Fantasia...

KL:  Wow, you memorized a list.

RB:  Season four, Carrie Underwood...  What?

KL:  You memorized a list.  Nothing more, nothing less.

RB:  You're an asshole, Mr. Lendhoffer.

KL:  And you're a whiney little suck-tit, Mr. Bender.

The interview devolved from there.  I couldn't possibly feel sorry for Mr. Bender and felt nothing but contempt for the "Straight Male Theater Group."  Oh, please.  All I can say to Mr. Bender is you have no place in MY theater.  The theater that I love.  Go watch your NASCAR "buddies" drive around in circles and then beat their wives.  Take that, sir!  I will now retire to Starbucks for a well deserved Green Tea Frappuccino.

Kyrle Lendhoffer has been writing "Behind the Proscenium" for Broadway Manka over 20 years.  In that time he has had the pleasure (and burden) of interviewing some of the most powerful visionaries of modern theater.  He studied Theatrical Criticism at Cal-State Northridge and Astro-physics at MIT.