Josh Olson: The 'I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script' Guy

Good morning.  Last night, I received an urgent call from Robin Rafe - President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group.  She was at The Smokehouse meeting with Josh Olson.  The only reason I would be called to an emergency meeting with some writer is if the proposed deal is eight figures (it's very very very rare that I get a call).

From what I understand, Josh Olson is the Nobel Prize-winning screenwriter of A History of Violence (among other things).  He is currently famous for a blog he wrote titled "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script".  I don't know this blog but I couldn't agree more.  I haven't read a screenplay since being forced at gunpoint by Joe Eszterhas to read his spec script Sacred Cows (sucked) in 1992. 

I was hoping to receive the coverage on Mr. Olson's blog before the meeting, but there was no time (according to Robin Rafe) - we had to act fast.

My assistant, Vicky, called me on the ride over and said the basic premise of the blog was that non-professional writers should NOT seek help from professional writers because, in almost all scenarios, it will end badly.  Much like an amateur brain surgeon shouldn't seek help from a  professional brain surgeon. 

If this is true, I'm all for it. 

Ever since I took over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. (in 1976), the industry has been inundated with young writers and actors with no credits or experience trying to get jobs.  Frankly, it's just pathetic.  I think I speak for my fellow moguls when I say - WE WOULD PREFER TO HIRE OUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE WE HAVE WORKED WITH BEFORE... WITHOUT EXCEPTION. 

I went to my normal booth at The Smokehouse and had Robin and Josh move over to me.  He seemed to be a very nice fellow.  Very excited about his recent fame as an internet blogger and was anxious to cash in.  His enthusiasm was infectious.

What we proposed was to create a franchise brand around "I Will Not Fucking _____".    The franchise would include a series of feature films (the story we came up with was basically a superhero who won't help anyone); a television series developed for MBS; a video game; and consumer products (imagine T-shirts with "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script" or "I Will Not Give You Fucking CPR").

As the Slivovitz and cheese toast worked their magic, we became wildly excited about all the possibilities.  This was going to be a Harry Potter-type franchise and Manka Bros. was going to OWN IT!

But then Mr. Olson make a tragic mistake.  He said, "While I have you here, Khan, I have just one other idea I want to run past you."

"Yes?", I said, still excited.

"It's called Polecats."

"What?"

"Polecats.  It's a spec script I wrote about ordinary house cats who compete in the Iditarod."

"You're pitching me a fucking spec script?!?    Do you know who you're talking to, asshole?  I'm Khan Fucking Manka!  I WILL NOT READ YOUR FUCKING SCRIPT!"

The blood drained from Robin Rafe's face as she knew this deal was dead. 

I left The Smokehouse.  I don't know what the hell they did the rest of the night.  And I really don't care.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company