[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland.  He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech for everyone at the studio to read.  It is posted, unedited, below. -- Vicky Adler-Modry - Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE 2010 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM - JANUARY 28, 2010

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Thank you very much President Sarkozy for that incredible introduction.  I had no idea of the impact I and my company have had on you throughout your life.  I was genuinely moved by your words.  Give my love to your smoking hot wife.

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy embraces Khan Manka, Jr. and exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Thanks to the World Economic Forum Committee - or as I like to call them "The Drunken Dozen" - for choosing me to address this conference.  It's not often that an ex-hippie song plugger from the Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles gets this kind of an opportunity.  But it's not often that a hippie song plugger from Laurel Canyon becomes the head of the World's Largest Media Company.  I can thank my bastard dad (legendary Hollywood mogul and Manka Bros. founding brother Harry Manka) for dying 35 years ago and sticking me with this suck ass job.

[Khan Manka, Jr. has to hold while the audience laughs uproariously.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Let me get right to it.  You bankers with your ski resort conferences and presentations looking for answers on what went wrong is such a joke to me. 

[A few audible hisses and one very loud "bull shit" is heard from the crowd.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Fuck you guys.  The global economy is not a difficult thing to figure out.  Make shit that people want to buy and sell it for a price that people can pay.  There is a reason Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company.  It's simple.  It's because we are the biggest and we are not stupid.  When Jimmy Cameron came to me and said he wanted to make a $400 million dollar movie about blue people set on a distant planet, I passed.  No fucking way am I shooting a movie on another planet.  It's expensive enough in California! 

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I then asked him if he had any teenage Frankenstein movies.  Actually, he did.  I'm happy to say Manka Bros. has started production on James Cameron's "Frankie Stein" - for a budget that is almost half of what it cost to make "Avatar".  THAT'S good business.  That's why we're still IN business.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  The media world is especially easy to figure out.  Everybody is trying to come up with new business models, new gadgets, new ways for people to experience the crappy shit we all produce.  Translation:  We've got to exploit this horrible movie or TV series on multiple platforms so we can get our money back.  MAKE GOOD CONTENT AND PEOPLE WILL BUY IT.  If you want to stick it on an iPad or a Lieberscanner 3000, go right ahead.  But first, find writers who can write, directors who can direct, actors who can act, and producers who can produce.   Everything else will take care of itself.

[Applause and a few shouts of approval.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  You international bankers are a real freaky bunch.  You love to find ways not to give me money for my movies.  It's not like you're strapped for cash.  You recovered and kept all that gold the Nazi's stole, for Christ's sake! 

[There is gasp from the audience.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  But you'll all be sorry.  We've got a great film slate.  I thought you idiots liked Will Ferrell.  We've got three movies with him ready to go:  "Gregory Lopez: Excellent Plumber", "Ray Edwards: African Explorer", and, my favorite, "Mud Jenkins:  County Assessor".  We're going to make billions with or without your precious money... that you stole!

[A red light flashes in Khan Manka, Jr.'s face.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I'm being told to wrap it up.  So I will end with these words from my Uncle - the great Khan Manka, Sr. - "Hollywood is a town where everybody is desperate for success and nearly everyone fails.  But if you are a mogul and you make movies, you will get laid... a lot."  Thank you.  I'll be drinking tonight with the Money Honey at the Hotel Eden bar if anyone would like to come over and get drunk with me.

[Khan Manka, Jr. exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

To all the acquisition and distribution executives at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme and Manka Docs - due to budgetary constraints and the absolutely shitty year you all had in 2009, you will not be attending the Sundance Film Festival this year.  If you desperately feel the need to attend in order to bid on a movie about Native American pedophiles looking for redemption, then I suggest you quit your job and start a new company that specializes in distributing videos shot on camcorders.

When the economy was good, this was not an issue for us.  We loved to throw money away during the good times.  Sometimes we even got lucky - for instance, when we picked up the rights to Snuffing Out The Magic Fury (which will finally open next month after extensive recuts and reshoots and recasts). 

But, too bad, junior executives, there will be no more $600 a night rooms with $1,000 a night "entertainment" bar tabs while you try to sleep with 22-year-old "directors" who would do anything to get their $300 film about an autistic coal miner distributed by a major Hollywood studio.

I realize you've probably already purchased your $400 ski caps that you were planning on wearing throughout the festival because independent film makers are way too cool to shower (and, of course, you have to be just like them).  I guess you'll have to return those at lunch today.

We have a new theatrical policy here at Manka Bros. - WE WILL NOT PRODUCE OR DISTRIBUTE ANY FILM THAT DOES NOT MAKE MONEY!

So for the young writers and directors of the world who make films about:

• The various plights of high school geeks growing up in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s;
  
• Immigrants trying to survive in modern day Mobile, Alabama;
• Poets trying to break free from their oppressive capitalist "day jobs"
• Cancer movies of every size and shape;
  
• (and, my favorite) Movies about filmmakers trying to get their films made in Hollywood where everyone who works at a studio is some kind of idiot...

I'm sorry, you'll have to find some other sucker to distribute your story that MUST BE TOLD. 

I hear The Weinstein Company has about $200 left from their billion dollar war chest.  Go ahead and take your precious little film to Harvey Weinstein.  He's not hard to find - he'll be the one smoking.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
The World's Largest Media Company

Well, I see the geeks at Manka Bros. Online have put up This Date In Manka History as the day my father died, January 20, 1976.  Normally, I'm too busy to talk about my father's death but I have a little time this morning before a very important mogul-only lunch.  So I have a few minutes (and a very nice Bloody Mary - thank you Vicky) to talk about my dad.

Harry Manka was a real prick.  Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had six wives - I've never really been sure which one was my real mother). 

But people outside the family loved Harry Manka.  He was called Hollywood's Dark Lord for his habit of holding certain actors and writers hostage in the attic of Building 23 on the studio lot (dubbed "The Tower") until they gave in to his demands. 

Harry Manka had an amazing ability to stay alive.  Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 - but he would go on to have three more and two strokes over the next 18 years.  He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day, smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day and smoked a box of cigars every day. 

Dad-Dad loved horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them.  During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan's Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father's grave.  This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World's Largest Media Company (though it wasn't the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles - the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937 before I was born; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 - 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read "Benny's World of Beef". 

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka's death.  I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad's personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.  We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball?  It was crazy.  To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad.  But we know.  He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. - GERALD FORD.  Who do you think killed Harry Manka?

C.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn't be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band - King Khan - was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood.  Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum.  Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

The same day - January 20, 1976 - as per my father's will, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.  I did not want this job.  I wanted to smoke dope and drop acid with my Hollywood friends.  I didn't want to wear shoes and go to an office.  I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.  But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album.  This convinced me to take the job. 

But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.  I realized being a media mogul is so much more impressive than being in a garage band.  No matter how good our version of "Smoke On The Water" was. 

So, here we are, 34 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company. 

I'll leave you with one final thought - one of the last things my father ever said to me:  "If you're going to waste your life - go ahead and kill yourself.  I'll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!" - Harry Manka (1883-1976).

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Yesterday, I was shocked to learn that Oren Aviv was fired as President of Disney Motion Picture Productions.  While I have never met Mr. Aviv personally, I have heard that he is an excellent cribbage player (and you all know how much I admire good cribbage). 

I'm not really sure what Rich Ross has in mind for his executive team at Disney but it seems to me he's really fucking things up and creating a Colonel Kurtz-like environment of ultimate power.  Ultimate power over teenage girl media content... but still ultimate power.

Well, I say, good luck to him.  All I can hope is that my good friend Bob Iger has Mr. Ross on a short leash.  I get a creepy feeling whenever I drive past the Disney Studios as though those freakin' Dwarfs are watching my every move.  I wouldn't be surprised if the severed heads of middle managers start to appear on the Disney perimeter fence - stuck on top of the iron Micky Mouse ears - as a warning to those who don't fall in line.

(And please don't email me about the above comment.  I realize the severed head thing happened many years ago at Manka Bros. when my father, Harry Manka, ran the studio - but it was only that one time - and I heard the guy deserved it.)

Anyway, back to Oren Aviv.  Manka Bros., the world's largest media company, would like to offer Mr. Aviv a very high-level position at the studio.  Perhaps even President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group (especially considering how shitty a job Robin Rafe has been doing these last couple of years).  Even Disney's worse year is far better than our best year lately.

Whatever job you think you might like, Oren, just let me know.  I'm happy to push out anyone (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl) to give you a place here.  Things are looking up for Manka Bros. and we'd love to have you on our team.

And don't even think about going to Fox (Rupert Murdoch will make you clean the urinals) or Paramount (Sumner Redstone will make you wipe his ass).

Let me know, Oren, ASAP.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good afternoon. 

Last night, I called MGM CEO Mary Parent to inform her that Manka Bros. would not be bidding on MGM.  Many have speculated that Manka Bros. would be the most likely suitor of MGM (which includes the 4,000 film library) but I have decided that it would no longer be a strategic fit for our company (though if the bidding falls below $1 billion, I may have to rethink things). 

Manka Bros. is the world's largest media company with the world's largest film library and we simply don't need to add 4,000 more titles to it.  Manka Classic Movies, as it is, can only show about 3,500 movies a year (24x7 without commercials).  At that rate, it would take us at least four years to show every film in our library (and we don't want to show every film in our library as most of them are total crap). 

There was a time when I wanted to own all the copyrights of the world.  I think I may be changing my mind now that DVD is dead and pirates are stealing everything we produce.

So, sorry MGM, hopefully Time Warner or Fox will bail your asses out. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - I would like to offer Mary Parent a job if the new owners foolishly don't keep her.  She seems really on top of things.

Good morning from the Wynn Encore in Vegas!

Yesterday, I received a call from my old friend and employee Warren Lieberfarb.  I was completely taken by surprise as I hadn't heard from him for a few years.  His ego had gotten so completely out of control after he was crowned the King of DVD that I really had no interest in talking to him or dealing with his bullshit. 

It seems that Warren has a new venture in which a large bio-mechanical chip (about the size of a playing card) is inserted under the skin of your arm.  Downloaded onto this chip is your entire library of movies, television shows, games and music (HD or standard def). 

Using the (patent pending) LieberScanner 8000, this library can be transferred to any TV, PC or mobile device with a simple scan of the barcode on the chip in your arm. 

Normally, I would have hung up on Warren right there (especially when he drones on and on about something as ridiculous as the LieberScanner 8000) but he mentioned that he was having a party in his suite at the Bellagio and I had nothing else to do last night (Terry Semel, the jerk, bailed on our dinner plans at the last minute for "something else he had to do").

I arrived at Warren's suite via a private solid gold elevator.  He had quite a set up - similar to Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.  High-tech hangers on and home video geeks stood around the outer lobby of his suite just hoping to get a glimpse of the great man.  But only a privileged few (such as myself) were allowed inside.

Warren and I go back about 30 years to the beginnings of the home video boom.  When the VHS cassette was first introduced, I hired Warren to go from house-to-house to sell Manka Bros. film titles from the trunk of his 1974 Datsun.  He was so good at selling shitty copies of "Black Illiad" and "Mother Trucker" for $89.95 each that I offered him the chance to head up our new home video division - but he had already taken a job with Warners.

Things really fell apart between him and me when he was trying to get DVD off the ground and Manka Bros. was firmly in the DIVX camp (we still are today - though, reluctantly, we do offer our titles on DVD).  We're also still in the HD-DVD camp... Fuck Blu-ray!).

So... to continue... I entered the inner-sanctum of Warren's suite to see him holding court in front of a 75-inch plasma screen.  His right arm was exposed to show the giant chip embedded in his arm.  Surrounding him was a group of slackjawed lapdog executives all salivating at the thought of this new technology and what it can do for them. 

Now Warren doesn't actually have the funding yet for this new idea, so for his demonstration he was using a child's scanner from some Fisher-Price grocery store toy.  He continued:

Warren Lieberfarb:  ... As the LieberScanner 8000 rolls over the barcode, my entire library is now transferred to every device in the room - the television, the computer, the iPhone, etc.

Nothing really happened when he clicked the scanner, but people were impressed nonetheless.  It was only Lady Gaga that brought up any kind of criticism. 

Lady Gaga:  Why does it have to be implanted in your arm?

Warren Lieberfarb:  Who the fuck are you?  Are you wearing butterfly wings?  And are they bleeding?

Lady Gaga:  Just answer the question.

Warren Lieberfarb:  The chip is implanted in your arm so that you always have your intellectual property with you.  You won't lose it if it's sewn into your arm.  And, when you want to buy more movies and music, just scan the item and it's downloaded into the chip and charged to your credit card.

Lady Gaga:  Why not just put everything on a small storage device and put it in your wallet or purse?  This idea is so stupid.

Warren Lieberfarb:  I want her out of here.  Throw her off the roof and see if she can fly.

A couple of MBA-types, who looked like they worked out, grabbed Lady Gaga by the wings and pulled her screaming out of the room.

I had seen enough and knew, like Strauss Zelnick's recent rooftop salon, that I probably shouldn't have come.  I decided to leave without even saying hello to Warren.  I'll send him a fruit basket and wish him well on his new venture.

Tonight, I'll be playing poker with Ben Silverman at the Palms.  If I survive, I'll write about it.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning and happy 2010! 

Because of all the recent terrorist activity going on in Yemen, I just wanted to give a quick update on the status of Manka Bros.' billion dollar Manka Fun Park Yemen. 

As many of you may remember, I went to Yeman last August for the groundbreaking ceremony.  After that, due to political turmoil and badly handled wire transfers, they never got around to actually starting construction.

Now, it seems that there are terrorists operating in and around the site for the future theme park. 

I just want to assure everyone involved that steps have been taken to ensure the safety of any future tourists to our theme park.  Metal detectors have been installed and intense cavity searches will be conducted on anyone entering the park.  So safety is not an issue and we are moving forward with the project as planned.

Even though I thought the opening would have to be pushed back a few months to 2011, I was reassured by the Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh that since labor costs in that country are non-existent and there are no overtime rules, the scheduled opening later this year will easily be met. 

That's the beauty of a dictatorship!

This is great news for Manka Bros. because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment.  Disney has been too busy concentrating on China to realize where the real money is.  Losers.  We will have the market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we'll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  As this challenging year comes to a close, I just wanted to say to the employees that are left at Manka Bros., have a great holiday and I'll see you at some point next year.

Because my bitch of an ex-wife took my daughter, Connie, with her to some God awful place in Colorado for Hanukkah, I have gone to my private island in Turks & Caicos. 

Several other powerful media moguls are here with me to spend a few days in the Caribbean sun before we all have to return to the horrible grind of running a major media company. 

I would tell you the names of those here, but Bob Iger and Sumner Redstone said not to say a word - that Wall Street would read something into it and send our stock prices further down.  Jeff Zucker, Brian Roberts and Strauss Zelnick also wanted me to remain quiet.

If something interesting happens, I'll blog about it in this space.

Keep working!  2010 must be better!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Remember, if you are Jewish, Christmas Day is NOT a paid holiday.

Over the weekend, I went to Sumner Redstone's Holiday Party at Bob's Big Boy in Burbank.  It was a pretty sad event with only a few of the invited guests bothering to show up. 

Sumner kept staring at the front door and mumbled over and over:  "Well, it IS raining..." and "After the rain stops, I'm sure more will show up", etc.

The few of us that did venture out on that cold, rainy Saturday really wish we didn't.  It was me, Phillipe Dauman, Ben Silverman (with some girl who talked non-stop about how she slept with Tiger Woods), Melinda (the first lady of magic), Sherry Lansing and Fred Willard.  We had a table in the center of the restaurant.  There were no booths available.

This was a new low for Sumner (and, frankly, a new low for me for daring to be seen there). 

As many of you know, Sumner has been living on-and-off at my house ever since announcing his divorce several months ago and I felt bad for the old guy.  There are rumors out there that News Corp. and his old media enemy Rupert Mudoch want to buy Viacom for the cable channels.  While I don't really think that's a possibility, Sumner believes everything he reads on the Internet and reacts accordingly.  He told me if Rupert tries to buy him out, he will kill everyone involved and book the first Virgin Galactic flight into outer space where he will live out his days in peace.

The Bob's Big Boy waitress assigned to our table was getting angry that Sumner wanted to wait for more people to arrive before ordering.  She finally said there would be no more free ice tea until food was ordered.  "There are people waiting for this table," she said.

With that, we ordered.  I got the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a strawberry shake.  Phillipe Dauman was going to get the lemon cod but changed his mind once he heard what I was getting.  He decided on the Super Big Boy with onion rings and a chocolate shake.  Everyone else got a variation on the same theme.

The rest of the evening was too pathetic to mention in much detail: 

• Melinda (the first lady of magic) balanced a spoon on her nose about twenty times;
  
• Fred Willard went on and on about a sewer problem he was having at his house;
  
• Ben Silverman talked about how he was going to Les Moonves' CBS party (which was being held later that night at the Nokia Theater with special musical performances by The Black Eyed Peas and Taylor Swift);
• Sherry Lansing and myself were also headed to the CBS party.  (Sumner was not invited.)

Our food arrived quickly and the burgers were undercooked.  None of us really cared because we wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

When the checked arrived, Sumner patted his pockets as though he forgot his wallet.  Melinda (the first lady of magic) picked up the check for the table.  The party was over by 7:30. 

Worst Holiday party ever - though the strawberry shake was excellent.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - I'll write about the unbelievable time I had at the CBS party at a later date.

Good morning. 

The brain trust of The Hollywood Reporter has come out with what they say will be the World's Largest Media Companies after the Comcast NBC Universal deal goes through.  BULLSHIT, I SAY!

THR has had it in for me ever since I threatened to buy them and shut them down after a scathing and hurtful review of the Manka Bros. film "Freak Accident" appeared in their 'paper' a couple of years ago.  So I'm not totally surprised they left Manka Bros. off their chart.  But I am, frankly, shocked that they would throw truth out the window so carelessly over a personal vendetta.  (Maybe that's naive of me - especially in this town.) 

I suppose this is the price I pay for not buying those bullshit, complete waste of money "For Your Consideration" ads.

Fine, Eric Mika (Publisher - The Hollywood Reporter).  You live by your ethical standards and I'll live by mine.

The chart shown on this page (and here), which my senior executive team at Manka Bros. put together over the weekend, clearly shows the correct ranking of World's Largest Media Companies.

This chart was additionally reviewed by several leading independent external auditors in New York, Los Angeles, Hong Kong and Instanbul and is the most current and accurate World's Largest Media Company chart available. 

And... as you can see by the size of the dark blue bar in the chart, MANKA BROS. REMAINS THE WORLD'S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY!

Please reflect this fact in any future reporting you do on this subject.  Failure to report the truth may cost you dearly.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  I just want to say to all the thousands of Manka Bros. employees who think they've got a shitty job... you have no idea how lucky you are.  You could work at Comcast.

My old friend Brian Roberts called me in a panic last night. 

[A little back story:  Brian and I go way back to my days in King Khan (my 1970s rock band).  Brian filled in one night on bass and was absolutely horrible.  For some reason, he thought he would be able to rock and get chicks without even knowing how to hold the damn instrument.  I fired him after one song.  Audience member Dexter Clangfree jumped on stage and finished the show (and became our full time bass player).  Brian still hung around the band like a groupie and we eventually let him into our inner circle.  We called him "Bogart Brian" because once you passed him a joint, you never got it back.]

Anyway... Brian called me last night in an absolute drunken panic about this upcoming disastrous acquisition of NBC Universal.  The first words out of his mouth were:  "Khan, what the fuck am I doing?  This is madness.  Why would anyone in their right mind overpay for a failed broadcast network and failed movie studio!  Didn't you read 'The Curse of the Mogul'?"

I told him he wasn't in his right mind but added that 'The Curse of the Mogul' is complete bullshit and he shouldn't pay any attention to what the jealous, wannabe mogul hacks who wrote that book had to say. 

I continued:  "Manka Bros. is the world's largest media company.  There is no disputing that - and there wasn't one mention of Manka Bros. it that goddamned book!  All credibility is lost right there.  And these fuckers are going to tell me that being the biggest isn't a competitive advantage?   Put Mike Tyson in a boxing ring with Wally Cox and tell me that size isn't a competitive advantage!"

There was a pause.  I could hear ice clinking through the other end of the phone.  I knew Brian was drinking heavily.

I finished my thought:  "That said... this Comcast / NBC deal is fucking stupid.  You should do what Tiger Woods didn't do... pull out."

Brian whimpered like he always does when in a tight corner:  "I can't do that, Khan.  There is something... bigger at hand here.  I can't talk.  They're watching my every move.  ZUCKER CROWS AT DAWN!... I'm sorry, Khan, I've put your life in danger.  Pray for me!"

He let out an anguished grunt which was followed by a muffled click... and he was gone.

Zucker Crows At Dawn?  Poor Brian.  Another successful brainwashing by Jeff Zucker - who continues to amaze me in his ability to fail upward.  Somebody should just fire that guy before more people lose their minds. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - To all Comcast shareholders... SELL SELL SELL!
   

Good morning.  Last night at about midnight, after a few minutes of pathetic begging by my 12-year old daughter Connie (who is also a newly-minted Manka Bros. Board member), I had my driver, Leif Garrett (yes, former child star) drop her off at the line of freaks waiting to get tickets to The Twilight Saga: New Moon.  She told me she was going to meet her (punk ass) friends Jenny and Skylark and wouldn't be back until she has seen the movie - and then added... "it might take days".

This got me thinking:  When was the last time Manka Bros. had a film that people wanted to see so bad that they lined up days in advance to see the first showings. 

The answer?  Never.  Fucking never.  It's an embarrassment.

We've had people show up to block the theater - as they did in 1989 after we made a film based on "Piss Christ", the controversial photograph by Andres Serrano, but never anyone camping out because they couldn't wait to see it.

This has to change.  I called Robin Rafe (President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group) at around 3:00a.m. this morning and told her to get right on it.  I want movies made by Manka Bros. that generate excitement, and buzz, and long lines at the theaters.  In short, I want mega-blockbusters! 

I don't believe I am being unreasonable here.  I only want four or five of these types of films every year - year-after-year.  And this will fit nicely into our BIG CONTENT STRATEGY launched a few months ago.

I would like a list of these big ideas before Thanksgiving.  If you don't think this is possible, please cancel any Thanksgiving plans you may have and stay at the studio until I have my list.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - I will be in Aspen for Thanksgiving with Mariska Hargitay - so please send the list to my house there if it's not ready by Monday (November 23).

Last night, I received a somewhat desperate call from Harvey Weinstein.  He said he wanted to take me out to dinner and discuss something that could be incredibly beneficial to both our companies.  I could tell this was going to be a disastrous meeting.

Since Harvey wanted to pay, he chose a restaurant that he could afford - the Sizzler on Hollywood Blvd.  He told me not worry about what it costs, he was paying for "all I could eat".  We sat at his normal booth and the waitress, Maria, brought us some Texas Toast.  Harvey folded his piece and took a healthy double-bite.

"Let me get right to the point, Khan.  I want to take Manka Bros. off your hands.  Based on your '09 Theatrical and TV slates, I can see your struggling.  All I would need is a $10 million dollar upfront payment."

I barely heard what he was saying because the Texas Toast was surprisingly excellent. 

"Khan, did you hear what I said?  Maria, more toast over here - chop chop."

"You want me to pay you $10 million to take my company away from me.  Ten million for the world's largest media company - which my father and uncles founded and built from the ground up nearly 100 years ago?"

Maria brought another basket of Texas Toast - our hands bumped reaching for it.

"Fuckin' losers those guys, Khan.  No offense.  I'll turn your goddamned dinosaur of a business into a cash cow in... oh, I don't know... three weeks!  I'll fuckin' get Tina Brown to run your books division.  I'll fuckin' get Rob Zombie to do some kind of movie shit, asshole.  Think about it."

Harvey got up to go to the salad bar.  "Do you want me to get you some cantaloupe?"

I nodded my head and made a call to Lloyd Grohl (Manka Bros. President and COO) to see if there was anything we could or should do for poor Harvey.  Lloyd quickly told me to turn him down nicely and get out of the Sizzler as fast as I could - that my life was in danger!

Harvey returned and saw me clicking off the phone.  "Who the fuck was that?"

"Nobody, Harvey.  Look, I have to turn you down.  Manka Bros. isn't for sale and will never be for sale.  Manka Bros. is a giant media conglomerate.  The biggest in the world.  You don't buy us - we buy you.  And, from what I hear about your current financial situation, I don't want to buy you."

"OK, Khan.  I understand."

I paused, expecting one of his signature tirades.  It didn't come.  He was just staring at his Texas Toast.

"Harvey?  You're OK with that?"

"Yes, Khan... but, one night when you're sleeping, I will enter your bedroom and skull fuck you to death."

It was said in such a kind, light-hearted way, it almost seemed like a compliment. 

Harvey took bite of a taco, the juice dribbling down his chin.

"Hey, Khan... you wanna buy some shoes?"

By the end of the night, I agreed to buy his shoes for $15. 

I think I like poor Harvey better than rich Harvey.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good afternoon from New York. 

Due to the ongoing $5 million renovation of my Burbank studio office, I have been in New York since last week staying at my usual suite at the Sherry Netherland Hotel. 

I don't like to come to New York that often because everyone is such an asshole, but I felt it was time to check in on the Manka Bros. East Coast operations and take a peak at the rehearsals for our upcoming Broadway Manka musical "Rampage Of The Stegosaur".

Last night, I received a very nice invitation from my old friend Strauss Zelnick.  ZelnickMedia has a very nice collection of assets including Take-Two Interactive and Columbia Music.  Strauss and I used to butt heads quite a bit during his whacked out BMG Entertainment days (the asshole wouldn't let me buy him out!). 

Apparently, he has a rooftop salon every couple of months for "heavy-hitters" in the New Media world (which means "small-time punks" to us in the Old Media world).  He heard I was in town and asked me to come by.  He knew that Manka Bros. had recently committed $1 billion to the production of online short-form content and thought I would bring an interesting large media company point of view. 

Thinking this was going to be quite the event, I quickly canceled my dinner (Masa) and show plans (Billy Elliot) with Mariska Hargitay and headed over to one of Strauss' magnificent midtown Manhattan office buildings for his amazing rooftop salon!  However, all that glitters is not gold.  As soon as I walked onto that God-awful rooftop, I knew I chose the wrong event. 

First of all, for such a rich guy, I would have expected more in the area of food. 

While the El Diablo Taco Cart does make a pretty decent taco, Strauss really should have served something a little more high-end for such an "elite" group of New Media freaks (though you won't get any complaints from Jeremy Phillips at News Corp.  He had at least four fully-loaded grande beef tacos before I even got to the front of the line).  That's another thing, I really shouldn't have had to wait in line.  It was a fucking embarrassment, Strauss!

[Another thing, Strauss, you should have said it was BYOB.  Surely, you have at least enough money for a couple of cases of PBR.  Jesus Christ.  I had to call my New York assistant, Ramon, and have a couple of bottles of Slivovitz delivered.  I would have had more sent if I knew Malcolm Gladwell was such a cheap drunk.]

So... as for the event... it was a complete disappointment and waste of time.  One after another, different "experts" in the shallow world of New Media got up and talked and talked and talked... and didn't say shit.  I was expecting nothing and it still sucked.

Malcolm Gladwell (The New Yorker) basically said we were all full of ourselves if we think for one minute that we're changing the world in any way.  He said it in such a "Fuck you, I'm totally full of myself "kind of way that I really wanted to throw him off the rooftop.  But then I become the jerk.  Assholes.

Next came another New Yorker writer, David Remnick, who started talking about some bullshit thing. 

At this point, I had trouble paying attention as I began to sweat and shake violently and really needed to find a bathroom (thank you, El Diablo Tacos!).

I spent the next hour in the rooftop Port-a-Potty going in and out of consciousness.  

The next thing I knew, I was in Strauss Zelnick's office on a blow up mattress.  Strauss said the taco cart really put a damper on the evening's agenda.  Several people, including Heather Harde of TechCrunch required on-site medical attention.

Strauss said the only positive to come out of the salon was that Malcolm Gladwell promised to never come back.

We then laughed and did a shot of Slivovitz.  Before I left, I invited Strauss to L.A. where the real media people play. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  The world "mogul" has been dragged through the mud quite a bit lately - from idiot writers who put out lie-filled books like The Curse of the Mogul and Moguls and Dictators - to asshole Wall Street analysts who have no fucking idea how to read an earnings report.  If you were only to listen to them, you would think all moguls are clueless morons with no idea what is happening in the world (only Sumer Redstone and Jeff Zucker fit that bill).

In the old days, there was really only one clueless moron mogul - my Uncle Simeon. 

I noticed on today's This Date In Manka History (October 23, 1958) that 51 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon died.  The next day, October 24, 1958, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.  My father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on October 23, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember about him when I was a kid is that he used to bang into stuff. 

His only real job was dubbing Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian - doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in his homeland of Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka [Sr.]) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. 

I just received word from our media research department that, based on size, Manka Bros. Studios remains the World's Largest Media Company for the 23rd straight year even after last quarter's very disappointing earnings report (and party) in which our Theatrical Group didn't have one movie that worked; our Television Group hasn't had one break-out show on MBS; our Music Group only had one release that received any attention (Seamus' He's Not Comin' Home); and our Publishing Group believes Gay Moroccan Poetry is the answer to our problems!

The "world's largest" status is obviously not a result of our employees' performance at their jobs - because you don't become number one by sucking.  No... it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time.  And I'm tired of carrying you people.  It's time to step it up!  

If things don't improve going forward, I will not hesitate to institute another cost-cutting program that will not be as kind as the last one.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - Manka Bros. will announce 3rd Quarter 2009 earnings on October 29.

Good afternoon. 

As the writer of a wildly popular blog (I only started it to better communicate with my employees at Manka Bros.) and the fact that I am a major figure in the media world, I receive quite a few offers to endorse products.  Most of them shit products like Coke or BMW.

Frankly, there is nothing I would rather do less than endorse someone else's stupid product.  It offends me that anyone thinks they can buy my services for any price.  If you want to hire a whore, call Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) or Michael Eisner. 

So when the good people of Camel called my office to see if I wanted to push their Turkish Gold cigarettes on my blog, I was completely offended and told them to get the fuck off my phone! 

Who the hell do they think they are?  I'm Khan Fucking Manka!  I don't push YOUR products - you push MINE!  Assholes!  

I don't need to be paid a boatload of money by some greedy corporation to express my love for Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes. 

Seriously, each drag of a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette is super smooth - silky almost.  Like an autumn breeze in Instanbul.  It's the only cigarette I would ever smoke.

Camel Turkish Gold - "Breathe In The Turkish!"

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. Camel Turkish Gold is the sole sponsor of Forensics on MBS.

Good afternoon.  Over the past few days, Michael Eisner's lawyers have attempted to put a muzzle on me.  Apparently, M.E. didn't like the idea of me blogging about our Duck Hunting trip last week and wanted to try and stop me from putting up a part two.  Some of the top lawyers in Hollywood have been fighting and I'm completely fed up with it.  I'm just going blog and don't give a shit what the repercussions may be.

As I was saying last week, Michael Eisner picked me up in his military-style helicopter and took me duck hunting.  I had never been duck hunting before and I don't scare easily, but when I climbed into that Duck Blind with M.E. and saw the crazed look in his eyes, I was afraid. 

As he started to load his 12-gauge shotgun with shells, he looked up:

M.E.:  It gets a lot darker at night for me than anyone else in the world.  I'm going to leave my head to science so they can try to figure out what the hell was going on inside my brain.

We sat in silence for about five minutes.  Someone had already loaded a gun for me and I had it across my lap, not quite sure what to do with it.  M.E. fluttered his eyes a bit as he blew softly into an ominous sounding duck call that echoed over the lake.

KM:  So... what do we do?  Sit here and wait for the ducks and then try to shoot them?

M.E.:  Waiting for the ducks.  Ha, that's the problem with Manka Bros.  You're always waiting for the ducks. 

KM:  What the fuck does that mean?  I run the biggest media company in the world and you're telling me what's wrong with my company?  What do you got?  Baseball cards?

Suddenly, M.E. leaped to his feet, swinging the gun up.

M.E.:  QUACK RIGHT SHOOT!

He blasted two quick SHOTS.  There were two quick duck HONKS.  And then two quick SPLASHES.

M.E:  Katzenberg!  Ducks!

His dog, Katzenberg, leaped out of the blind and swam toward the killed ducks.  Katzenberg gathered them in his mouth and swam back to the blind.

M.E.:  Good dog.  Pretty slow on the trigger there, Khan.

KM:  You don't mind if I just sit here, do you?  I really don't want to shoot at ducks.  My life is interesting enough.

M.E.'s eyes darted back and forth, not sure whether to shoot me or let it go.  We momentarily returned to small talk, asking about each other's families and our health, etc.  M.E. shot eight more ducks.  Katzenberg fished them out of the pond.  Finally, M.E. got around to the point he wanted to make.

M.E.:  The future of television is fucked. 

KM:  In its current form, yes, I would say it is challenged.

M.E.:  In any form.  It's over.  Spending additional dollars on a declining asset is what dumb asses do.

KM:  There's still an audience.  You gotta put something on the air.  Severed Fingers is profitable just from International sales.  Why quit a business that's profitable?

M.E.:  Why don't you sell typewriters or bulk up on VHS cassettes or dial-up modems?  Plenty of people still need those things and you'll make a profit since it means so fucking much to you.  Whoop-tee-fuckin-do!

His eyes were starting to roll back into his head.  I knew I had to get out of there.  I had no idea where I was but I did have my Blackberry and was able to send a PING to my assistant, Vicky.  Once she receives my distress call I am normally picked up within the hour no matter where I am in the world.

KM:  Then, tell me Michael, where do you think media is headed?  Online?  Cell phones?  You know, Manka Bros. is spending $1 billion on short-form internet-only content.

M.E.:  I will shoot you dead if you mention the "I" word again.  The Internet is over.  My online series "Prom Queen" hit at the peak of that fad.  No no... the future is right here. 

KM:  What do you mean?  A couple of guys talking by a pond with a loaded gun in their hands?

M.E.:  That's part of it.  Human interaction is the future.  It's real.  Something you can't slap a banner ad next to and call it "paid content".  It's just you, me and the meat that we kill and eat.  I'm going "into the wild".

He seemed sincere.  He looked tired.   Frankly, he looked done.

M.E.:  You may go, Khan.  If you tell anyone about this conversation, I will hunt you down and slaughter you like a mountain goat.

Michael Eisner's chopper took me away and I was back in Los Angeles in time to watch the suck-ass Dodgers lose.  Mariska Hargitay was the only guest allowed in the Manka Bros. Suite at Dodgers Stadium.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - Do not fret, Manka Bros. will still be producing high-quality television content long after Michael Eisner freezes to death in a bus outside of Fairbanks, Alaska.

Good afternoon.  I have just returned safely from one of the weirdest fucked up days I've had in a long time (and I've had quite a few fucked up days lately). 

On Monday night, I received a call from my old pal and competitor Michael Eisner (M.E.) who, as you know, used to be the Chairman & CEO of Disney before (as he says it) "being released into the wild by the Board of Directors to fend for himself".  M.E. wanted to pick me up at 3:00 a.m. by helicopter and take me to one of the private duck hunting ponds he owns in northern California to do some hunting and talk about The Future of Television.

I explained that normally I would jump at that opportunity (I had never been duck hunting in my life) but I had Sumner Redstone staying at my house and he was not in the best emotional state (because he's almost broke). 

After a few moments of back-and-forth negotiations with M.E., it was settled that I would be picked up at 2:00 a.m. and I was to turn Sumner Redstone out into the street.  (Michael Eisner is a master negotiator.)

At 2:00 a.m., M.E. arrived right on time, his massive military-style helicopter landing on my Great Lawn.  The fucker didn't seem to care that I had recently had a million dollar landscaping job completed.

He was dressed in combat fatigues with his face painted green and brown and brandishing two 12-gauge shotguns.  I was dressed in gym shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes.  I wasn't aware there was a costume for duck hunting.

M.E.:  Are you fucking kidding me, Khan?  Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?  What are you wearing?  Do you have your own gun or do you need to rent one from me? 

I explained that I have never been duck hunting and didn't realize there were special clothes.

M.E.:  To kill a duck, you have to think like a duck.  Capisce? 

I wouldn't think a duck would want to wear those clothes or that make-up.  But I played along and found an old Army General's uniform that my dad (Harry Manka) used to wear around the Manka Bros. studio lot to intimate talent.  I put that on and smeared my face with camouflage make-up that M.E. had with him.  I would have to rent a duck-shooting-gun from M.E. as the only weapons in my house were controlled by my security team.

Flying low over the southern California mountains, M.E. leaned out of the chopper observing the pre-dawn movements of the San Fernando Valley like he was in the jungles of Vietnam.  He held this position and didn't speak for the approximate two hour flight to a remote area south of Sacramento.

Suddenly, through a mist, a giant pond appeared with large reeds sprouting out of it.  M.E. looked up and gave me a wink.

M.E.:  (pointing down) Quack-gri-la - we're home.

The chopper landed and several very serious handlers came out to greet us - all dressed in military fatigues and wearing ridiculous duck-shooting hats with ear flaps.

M.E.:  I'm going to take a couple of minutes to let my balls stop vibrating, then I'll meet you in "the blind".

Apparently, he meant "duck blind"... and I didn't know what that was - but I was soon to find out. 

And I was soon to get into a very interesting discussion on The Future of Television (which was quite different from my discussion on The Future of Media with Bob Iger - M.E.'s successor at Disney). 

But now, I'm worn out.  So I'll get into all that tomorrow.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Ever since he announced his divorce from Paula Fortunato a few months ago, Sumner Redstone has been at staying on and off at my house.  Every night, he wants to go out and "party at Trader Vic's".  And every night, I tell him that Trader Vic's closed a couple of years ago.  Sumner is 85 years old and doesn't take no for an answer.  So last night, once again, we went to "Trader Vic's" to "party" (we actually went to LAX - a very sweaty club in Hollywood).

Even though Sumner and myself are two of the most powerful people in entertainment, we sometimes aren't immediately recognized in public.  So I asked my driver (and former child star) Leif Garrett to call ahead and make sure we would be given the proper respect at the door.  He must have said the right things because when we arrived at the club, there was a gaggle of drunken girls in their 20s waiting for us. 

Sumner slammed a shot of Slivovitz and jumped out of the limo before it had come to a complete stop.  He rolled awkwardly onto the pavement but hopped right back up and moved as fast as he could to the young girls like some perverted Grandpa. 

I would have preferred to stay in the car getting drunk with Leif Garrett and watch the Phillies/Rockies game - or go over to Mariska Hargitay's house and watch whatever-it-is horrible show that she does... but here I was at LAX with Sumner Redstone looking pathetic as we tried to keep up with these dumb young girls.

Once inside, Sumner was completely out of control.  I found him huddled at a back corner table making out with Tila Tequila.  To actually see that in person is as disturbing as it sounds. 

Audrina (who I later found out was an actress on an MTV show - The Hills) and Cate Blanchett were at the same table in the middle of a very animated conversation about Jacobean comedy. 

I figured my only option at this point was to get as drunk as possible.  Which I did. 

Audrina is actually a very nice person and the most intelligent woman I have ever met.  She told me that she was such a consummate actor that she had her teeth overly whitened for the part of "Audrina" and actually has very brown smokers teeth underneath with several gaps.  It didn't matter to me.  I liked her!  We talked about her favorite Manka Bros. Films - she has very good taste.  She later left with her boyfriend - some MIT grad student in molecular biology.  Nice kid.

I could go on and on about last night - but it's just too sad.  The low point of the evening came when Tila Tequila was told the old dude she was making out with was Sumner Redstone - the Chairman & CEO of Viacom (her show is on MTV which is owned by Viacom).  She SLAPPED him across the face and starting screaming, "You son of a bitch!  My stock options are under water because of you!  You owe me money!"  Sumner said something along of the lines of "Stand in line, sweetheart."   I'm not sure who she thought he was but it was all very bizarre.  Sumner then tried to hit on Cate Blanchett - but that was a non-starter.

I finally got Sumner back to the house.  My cook, Ismaralda got him changed and made him some beef stew.  We spent the rest of the evening watching the Lifetime Movie Network which Sumner said made him feel safe and warm.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

... but that doesn't mean you can leave early.  I know you would all prefer to be celebrating the life of that rapist and opportunist Christopher Columbus by going to parades and picnics, but we really need you at work today.  2009 has been Manka Bros. worst year ever and we either have to turn things around or fire each and every one of you!

So keep making those movies and television shows and resist the urge to leave early. 

Thanks in advance for following my orders.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I trust the Dodgers won last night.  They were ahead when I left with Mariska Hargitay after the 4th inning. 

It was great to see everyone (except Jeffrey Katzenberg.  I extended the olive branch but it's going to take more time to patch things up after our disastrous meeting last week). 

[Note to my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry:  You will notice the Johnny Walker Blue is nearly gone.  After incessant bitching by Bob Iger for me to open it, I let the baby have his bottle.  Please replace it for today's game with Johnny Walker Red for Barry Diller.  Also, Sumner Redstone dropped a fully-loaded chili dog on the new carpet.  Have it steam cleaned and send the bill to Viacom.  And, please be aware, Haim Saban thought he was on the list last night (he wasn't) and thinks he's on the list today (he isn't).]

Here is Manka Bros. Dodger Suite Guest List for Game 2 (10/8/09):

• Mariska Hargitay
• Dick Cook
• Ari Emanuel
• Terry Semel
• Jeff Weiner
• Nikki Finke (and her cat)
• Barry Diller
• Jill Kennedy (hot new Manka Bros. blogger.  She writes the OnMedea media blog.)
• Richard Fuld
• Rosie Perez
• Paul Bricault (though he may cancel because Ari Emanuel is coming.  Please put Meg Whitman on standby)
  
• Indra Nooyi

I look forward to seeing you all this afternoon.  Go Dodgers!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. 

As you all may know, the MLB playoffs start tomorrow night.  Because Manka Bros. has the nicest suite at Dodger Stadium and because I throw the best party, it is always a battle in this town over who is allowed to join me for each game. 

While it is fun to turn down my enemies, this is not a process that I completely enjoy.

So... if your name is not on the list or crossed out it is because (a) there wasn't enough room; (b) you are not a big enough star/executive; or (c) you have fallen out of favor with Manka Bros. and its chief executive (me).

Here is the list for Wednesday night's game (10/7/09):

• Bob Iger [please keep the Johnny Walker Blue locked up]
• Sumner Redstone [with Tila Tequila ???]
  
• Lee Ann Womack
• Flea
• Ban Ki-moon
• LL Cool J
  
• Rebecca De Mornay
• Mariska Hargitay [give her anything she wants!]
• Tommy Tune
• Ben Silverman [Ben has two dates: One will stay from the 1st - 5th innings; the other from 6th - 9th innings - names to come]
• Carol Bartz
• Jeffrey Katzenberg [please do not read anything into this - we are NOT buying DreamWorks Animation]

Tomorrow, I will finalize the list for Thursday night's game.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  My old friend Jeff Katzenberg (CEO of DreamWorks Animation) called me last night from The Frolic Room on Hollywood Blvd. and asked if I could come down and meet him.  He was pounding a few shots with his senior management team and got the urge to call me. 

Jeff Katzenberg and I go way back to the 1970s when we used to follow The Grateful Dead.  He actually followed Seals & Crofts for a few years until I turned him onto The Dead.  He ended up logging more Dead shows than I did (and I went to 182 over a 20 year span).

He picked a good time to call.  I wasn't really doing anything last night except watching the Dodgers choke (again) with Haim Saban.  [NOTE TO FRANK MCCOURT AND THE DODGERS:  Please clinch tonight or I will sell my Suite next year!] 

I left Haim's fortress and had my driver, Alicia, take me down to The Frolic Room.  I just love that old bar.  Such a great mix of high class clientele:  Starlets, studio executives, fashion designers - basically all the beautiful and powerful people converging every night in that tiny space on Hollywood Blvd.

When I walked into the bar, I spotted Jeff standing by the juke box.  Sugar Magnolia was playing.  He was screaming at some poor college guy - telling him he completely missed the hidden meaning and Satanic signs that were built into Kung Fu Panda.  That poor guy actually believed that the movie was made for kids and families.  What a schmuck.  If he only knew the dark side of Jeffrey Katzenberg like I do... Jeff spotted me and gave me a hug.

JK:  Khannie, you son of a bitch!  You made it!

We asked about each other's children and a few other formalities.  He ordered shots of Slivovitz for the entire bar and kept a bottle for the two of us.  We sat and drank.  I knew why he brought me there.

KM:  So... you want to sell me your company, right?

JK:  Khan, what the fuck?!  Can't you wait until Sugar Magnolia is over?  Touch of Grey is coming up after.

KM:  I love that you're holding onto those old days.  Those were good times.

JK:  The fucking best!  Did you know I went to over 200 shows?!

He did another shot.  The song ended.  Jeff turned serious.

JK:  Khan, I want to sell you my company.  DreamWorks Animation is the crown jewel of available acquisitions in this town.  Every studio wants us - but I'm giving you first shot.

KM:  How much?

JK:  Pixar sold to Disney for $8 billion and they only had eight movies.  We've had 19 movies... so I figure $19 billion.  But we also have a bunch in development - so let just make it an even $25 billion.

We both did another shot.

KM:  Cash?

JK:  I sure the fuck don't want your company stock.  Manka Bros. has been in the pisser for decades.

KM:  You sure know how to charm a guy.  Tell ya what... I'll give you $500 million - cash.  Final offer.

It's a bit of blur what happened after that. 

Apparently, Jeff had hired a few WWE goons as part of his senior management team.  They proceeded to hold me down and the kick the ever living shit out of me.  They keyed heavily on my groin.

I sort of remember the owner of The Frolic Room coming out and saying he didn't want any trouble in his bar. 

Thank God for my driver Alicia who earned her salary last night.  Somehow she got me out of there.

I woke up this morning in my own bed - with my own doctor at my side telling me everything would be okay.  Because of the Oxycotin, I'm able to work today. 

In my office this morning, I received a gift certificate to Benihana from Jeffrey Katzenberg.  A note read:  "No hard feelings.  Sorry about your balls." 

Before Universal or Fox or Warner Bros. or Paramount or Sony or anyone entertains the thought of buying DreamWorks Animation, you should be warned... if your price is too low, they will physically harm you.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good afternoon.

Someone immediately get me an advance copy of "The Curse Of The Mogul:  What's Wrong With The World's Leading Media Companies" by Jonathan A. Knee, Bruce C. Greenwald and Ava Seave.  I want to see what those assholes esteemed writers have to say about me. 

Mr. Knee, Mr. Greenwald and Ms. Seave should be very careful what they say about us moguls.  We have very long memories and are the ones who own the important publishing companies.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  I haven't slept in two days - so I will be brief before the Ambien kicks in.

Last night, I had a rather heated discussion with my old friend and competitor Jeff Zucker, President & CEO of NBC Universal and his boss, Jeffrey Immelt, Chairman & CEO of  GE (who is one hell of a salsa dancer!).  I've never seen a couple of guys try to unload such a troubled company for such a high price.  $40 - $50 BILLION?!!  You've fucking got to be kidding.  And that's for 80%!! 

Don't tell anyone... but I have a feeling they were kidding and will end up having to settle for around $20 billion for their piece (thank you Jay Leno - last night's ratings 4.5/8) - putting an overall valuation at $25 billion (including Vivendi's slice).

After a lot of Slivovitz, many tears, several false accusations about whether a certain woman was a prostitute or not, I had to walk away.  While the idea of owning a once mighty network and studio has a certain appeal, I feel Manka Bros. is already the most complete, largest and perfectly aligned of all the major media conglomerates.  A big acquisition will only muddle our content and distribution efforts and result in too much chaos in the near-term.

Now, should they lowered their price to, say, $50 million bucks cash... I will take that call.  But for now, no thank you Jeff and Jeffrey.

Good luck with Time Warner.  Jeff Bewkes is awaiting your visit (be sure to have hat in hand).

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

What I mean to say is... WHO - THE FUCK - IS IN MY PARKING SPOT?!!! 

I have notified my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to have this car crushed into a cube and thrown in the Pacific Ocean! 

The owner of this piece of shit Toyota Tercel will be tracked down, fired and thrown into jail!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I have chosen not to write about my disastrous experience at last night's Emmy Awards.  Let's just say the seating given to Manka Bros. senior executives was an embarrassment and someone should and will lose their jobs.  WE WERE FUCKING SITTING BEHIND THE LITTLE DORRIT PEOPLE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! 

If I had chosen to leave that place in protest, I know my friends Bob Iger, Jeff Zucker, Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone, Les Moonves, etc. etc. would have followed me in solidarity.  I would have sucked all the power out of that room - and where would your little show have been then, huh?  Don't forget, TV Academy, we made you and we can destroy you!

But I'm not going to talk about that.  Or the fact that Manka Bros. for the eighth consecutive year had no Primetime Emmy Nominations.  Did you assholes even look at the Severed Fingers tape we sent?!!

But enough of that. 

Today, I would like to offer to my great friend Dick Cook a job at Manka Bros.  This would be quite a step up from his former position at Disney - though I'm not exactly sure in what capacity he would serve - most likely somewhere within the Theatrical Group.  Maybe even as President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group (especially since Robin Rafe is such a failure at that job).

One thing I know, he won't have to go back to operating rides.  Unless he wants to.  I noticed on our Job Board that the Manka Fun Park in Mexico City needs highly-qualified ride operators.  But he probably wants to stay in Los Angeles and work in film.

Whatever he wants, there is a place for him at Manka Bros.  I don't throw my friends under the bus like my great friend Bob Iger.  He has made a great mistake.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  Last night, I received an urgent call from Robin Rafe - President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group.  She was at The Smokehouse meeting with Josh Olson.  The only reason I would be called to an emergency meeting with some writer is if the proposed deal is eight figures (it's very very very rare that I get a call).

From what I understand, Josh Olson is the Nobel Prize-winning screenwriter of A History of Violence (among other things).  He is currently famous for a blog he wrote titled "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script".  I don't know this blog but I couldn't agree more.  I haven't read a screenplay since being forced at gunpoint by Joe Eszterhas to read his spec script Sacred Cows (sucked) in 1992. 

I was hoping to receive the coverage on Mr. Olson's blog before the meeting, but there was no time (according to Robin Rafe) - we had to act fast.

My assistant, Vicky, called me on the ride over and said the basic premise of the blog was that non-professional writers should NOT seek help from professional writers because, in almost all scenarios, it will end badly.  Much like an amateur brain surgeon shouldn't seek help from a  professional brain surgeon. 

If this is true, I'm all for it. 

Ever since I took over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. (in 1976), the industry has been inundated with young writers and actors with no credits or experience trying to get jobs.  Frankly, it's just pathetic.  I think I speak for my fellow moguls when I say - WE WOULD PREFER TO HIRE OUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE WE HAVE WORKED WITH BEFORE... WITHOUT EXCEPTION. 

I went to my normal booth at The Smokehouse and had Robin and Josh move over to me.  He seemed to be a very nice fellow.  Very excited about his recent fame as an internet blogger and was anxious to cash in.  His enthusiasm was infectious.

What we proposed was to create a franchise brand around "I Will Not Fucking _____".    The franchise would include a series of feature films (the story we came up with was basically a superhero who won't help anyone); a television series developed for MBS; a video game; and consumer products (imagine T-shirts with "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script" or "I Will Not Give You Fucking CPR").

As the Slivovitz and cheese toast worked their magic, we became wildly excited about all the possibilities.  This was going to be a Harry Potter-type franchise and Manka Bros. was going to OWN IT!

But then Mr. Olson make a tragic mistake.  He said, "While I have you here, Khan, I have just one other idea I want to run past you."

"Yes?", I said, still excited.

"It's called Polecats."

"What?"

"Polecats.  It's a spec script I wrote about ordinary house cats who compete in the Iditarod."

"You're pitching me a fucking spec script?!?    Do you know who you're talking to, asshole?  I'm Khan Fucking Manka!  I WILL NOT READ YOUR FUCKING SCRIPT!"

The blood drained from Robin Rafe's face as she knew this deal was dead. 

I left The Smokehouse.  I don't know what the hell they did the rest of the night.  And I really don't care.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

First of all, let me just say, Dick Fuld is a pretty intense guy.  I don't see him that often (out of a certain fear for my safety) but, because of our history, I love that guy like a brother.

This morning, Dick called me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to play tennis at The Riviera Country Club. 

"Is that the club that doesn't take Jews?" 

"No, that's The Los Angeles Country Club," he said.  "And I think they take Jews now.  Spielberg's a member, I think."

Now I hadn't played any tennis since my near-catastrophic ankle injury of a year ago (when I went to visit that schmuck Steve Jobs) - but I told him I would go.  A friendly game of tennis sounded like a nice way to start off the week.  I had not seen him since all his trouble began and I wanted to offer my support and see how he was doing (even though I lost a shit-load of money).

His driver picked me up and drove us to the Club.  He was watching CNBC in the car and swearing at the Street Sweetie Erin Burnett.  "She doesn't know shit about what I've gone through!"  He appeared very tan and extremely well rested. 

"What's going on, Dick?", I asked. 

"Khan, can you believe it's been a year since Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy?" 

"No shit.  A year sure goes by fast." 

"Not really."  He turned back to the television and asked if I wanted a Mimosa or a Bellini?  I chose Bellini.

"What have you been doing for the past year, Dick?"

"Playing a lot of tennis.  Since I left Lehman, I've had some time to really think about what I want to do next.  The next chapter in the Story of Fuld."

"And what do you want to do next?"

"I think... I just want to play tennis."

I nodded and drank my Bellini.  It was very nice - straight out of Harry's Bar.

We arrived at the club slightly smashed.  I won't go into details about the actual tennis match.  But I will say he destroyed me in three straight sets:  6-0, 6-0, 6-0.  There was only one game that I scored a point.  He hit the ball into the net on a serve that I managed to get in the lines.  I watched in semi-horror as he destroyed his racket over the net post and then threw the remains at my head. 

"Fuck you, Khan!", he said.

Good old, Dick.  He never changes.  I wish him well.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios