Good morning,

I noticed on today's "This Date In Manka History" (July 3, 1958) that 50 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon was flown back to Bulgaria for burial.  My father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on July 2, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.  He dubbed all of Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian (doing all of the voices himself).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating himself.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (sorry for the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only brother to be buried in Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Thomas Jefferson (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Listen up, Manka Bros. employees.  I received hundreds (okay, thousands) of emails from people all over the world - rival studio bosses, Wall Street analysts, Manka Bros. shareholders, Manka Bros. employees - all wondering how in the hell (okay, 'fuck') Manka Bros. will make money on a $1 billion dollar investment in short-form content. 

Alright, sure, we don't have a 'business model' or a precedent in this business and the only online series we've attempted has been Forensics and that was already a hit on our MBS Television Network - so that's not really 'original'.

I have a very simple answer to the question of how we will make money.  The answer is:

BANNER ADVERTISING!

These things are great. You put an ad at the top or bottom or side or in the videos and people click on them, purchase the products and this supports your business. Banner advertising is the single most brilliant invention in the history of inventions.

Manka Bros. wins.

The advertisers win.

America wins.

Any more stupid questions?

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  My friends David Geffen and Bob Iger came over to visit me last night.  David even brought me some better pain medication than the doctor prescribed - good man!  Anyway, over cocktails, I was telling them that today I would have a huge announcement.  Well, this is it. 

Manka Bros. is going to spend $1 billion (over the next year or so) on short-form internet content.  This is a great opportunity for our company.  Every other studio seems to be doing it (not that that is why I do anything) and it's time for Manka Bros. to jump into this space with two feet.

I'm sure many of you operational executives are wondering where the money will come from and, most important, who gets to spend it.  Ethan Rubidoux is the current President of Digital Distribution group - but there is no way I am giving that weirdo $1 billion to spend on little cartoons and short movies.  Myself and Lloyd Grohl will control the fund and spend it only on the best projects.  So get those pitches ready!

We will either raise the money from one of our existing banks or just spend it from the cash we have on hand.  Those are details for David Chang to work out.  I'm just here to make the announcement.

And, don't worry, this will not affect our core businesses.  We will still be producing more movies, television and music than anyone else.  This is a just another new business.  A one billion dollar new business! 

So start thinking 'short' people.  This is a great day for Manka Bros. and a great day for our industry.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I am reminded of this thought as I see that This Date In Manka History (June 30, 1927), 81 years ago today, Margie Louise shot my uncle Khan (the great Khan Manka) in the groin.  She was in love with my uncle as was everyone who every met him (ok - not Carl Laemmle - but he was a pussy).

Margie Louise was a marginal talent and starred in some of the worst films in Manka Bros. history.  Take a look: www.mankabros.com/movies/manka_films/1920s/index.htm 

I mean, come on, Glitter and Gams '26 and Swells with that pervert Jolly Chester!

Luckily for the world, my uncle Khan had one ball made of stainless steel, so the bullet bounced off.  He was fine.  She was taken off the psych ward in a straight-jacket... bitch.  Long after her star had faded, she was murdered on the Manka Bros. Studio lot.  This murder was a tragedy but not unexpected.  It remains unsolved to this day.

I hope you all have a good day, keep working, and remember... try not to lead on crazy women into thinking you're in love with them.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

As you all know, I have ordered the Manka Bros. senior executives to help me during my recovery from my shattered ankle.  Today, something really funny happened.

Robin Rafe

- President of our Theatrical Group - came over to scrub and wax the floors (and this is no small task with over 20,000 square of house).  So anyway, she comes over wearing a pant suit-type-Hillary-Clinton-thing, high heels and carrying a bucket with a sponge in it.  She mumbled something about having a meeting later with Clint Eastwood and needed to get out of here as soon as possible.  I called bullshit on her - if we had more meetings with Clint Eastwood and less meetings with Bobcat Goldthwait, we wouldn't be in the financial position we're in and she wouldn't be scrubbing my floors.  She admitted that she didn't have an "actual" meeting with Clint Eastwood - just a potential phone conversation about a potential project that he could potentially be interested in.  Whatever, start scrubbing.

To make a long story short, she fell on her ass about 50 times!!! (I don't think she realized that I could see everything in every room on my video monitors).  She is worse at scrubbing floors than in picking movies.  I want someone from post-production to come here and take the surveillance tapes of her mopping and edit together all her falls.  We could probably win "America's Funniest Home Videos"!  We could sure use that $10,000.

I can't wait to see Jay McBee clean out the gutters tomorrow!

Yes, this is an image of a broken ankle.  This is an image of MY broken ankle.  But something as trivial as this will not stop Khan Manka, Jr. from running the world's largest media company - but WE WILL NOT BUY APPLE!  Steve Jobs, his little dog, Sasha, and everyone at Apple can rot in Hell!

Let me explain what happened - the I will tell you where we go from here. 

The Manka Bros. jet (The Joey 1) arrived in Cupertino right on time but the helicopter pilot got a little lost (what can you expect when you're out in the sticks).  I was told by Steve's assistant - Lynn Takahashi - that Steve didn't mind waiting for me and was "very excited" about Manka's inevitable acquisition of his company.

As I walked toward the main entrance, I was greeted by Steve Jobs' little yapping pink poodle dog, Sasha.  This dog was a fucking terror.  Yapping and trying to bite my leg.  When I attempted to shake this horrible creature off my suit pants, I tripped over the dog and fractured my ankle - fractured it in many many pieces.  As I was lying on the ground, writhing in anguish, this wretched pink beast attempt to bite at my face and groin.  No one could hear my cries of pain.  At this point I thought, fuck this.  No one came out for over 20 minutes.  When someone did finally come out, it wasn't Steve Jobs - it was his assistant - Lynn Takahashi.  I quickly told her to find someone to load me back on the helicopter and get me to Cedars Sinai in Beverly Hills.  I wasn't going to have some hick Cupertino doctor sawing off my foot!  I also told her to tell Steve Jobs that our deal was off!  I have never been physically injured so badly by another company.

So, where does that leave Manka Bros.?  Right where we've always been.  At the top.  We don't need to acquire all these companies when our true greatness lies on our own backlot.  And, unlike Universal, our backlot is still in one piece.

There will, however, be some changes to many of your job descriptions.  While I am laid up with my foot elevated above my heart for the next 12 weeks, it was suggested that I hire a nurse to take care of me.  But I've already got enough people on the Manka Bros. payroll to help so why should I incur the extra cost? 

So, for a very select few of my senior executives, here are some new duties (which will require coming up to my house):

Robin Rafe:  In addition to your role as President of the Theatrical Group, you will be responsible for giving me sponge baths every night, scrubbing and polishing the floors and pool deck every Wednesday and, in general, anything else that I might think of.  If our next movie release opens at #1, I will reduce the sponge bathes to every other  night.

Jay McBee:  In addition to your role as President of the Television Group, you will be responsible for emptying my urinal which is next to my bed, repairing the roof above the basketball court and cleaning out the gutters.  I will call you when my urinal is getting full (which is... a lot!).

Ethan Rubidoux:  In addition to your many jobs, you will be responsible for carrying me to the bathroom when I need to go #2.  You will also be responsible for wiping my ass.  I will shift this responsibility to Emily Sachs of the Music Group if you can figure out a way to grow our Consumer Products division.  If it makes you feel any better, Ethan, this would have been Bob Delavian's job - if he still worked for the company.

For everyone else in senior management (and the Board of Directors, too) - you may be receiving a call in the next few hours.  There are many other things I need and I would like to have you all on call.

Khan Manka, Jr, - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Great news.  This morning I am heading up to Cupertino where I will make a formal offer for Manka Bros. to buy Apple (why the fuck Steve Jobs couldn't come down to Burbank to see me is something I still don't understand)... but, hey, we are the prey and they are the hunted.  This is a company I have been looking at very closely.  I have enjoyed some of their products ever since the Newton writing tablet set the world on fire.  My daughter, Connie, has an iNano and I have ordered a Macintosh notebook computer from our MIS department so I can see first hand what we'll be buying.  Somebody told me you can publish your own magazine on it.  That's something I've got to see!

Bob Iger at Disney told me that Steve Jobs is a tough negotiator (Disney paid $8 billion for 8 movies for Christ sake!) - so this meeting may take up most of the morning and possibly the entire day (I do have to be back by 7:00.  I have tickets to Wicked at 8:00).

This acquisition will not be cheap - so we are really going to have to cut back around here.  Start thinking of ways we can save money.  Just today, the Bob Hope Airport has offered some compensation if we allow plane traffic to fly over during business hours.  Our production people are worried about the planes affecting the sound of our movies and TV shows.  What they should be worried about is whether they will have a paycheck coming.

So let's do this thing, people!  Apple is a great company and will be a perfect fit with our other core businesses.  And with our recent announcement about short-form content production (I'm fairly certain that short-form content plays on Mac computers - another plus!), we are definitely staying on top of the cutting edge of new technologies.  And if you've seen their commercials on TV, the Mac computer guy is much more cool than that nerd PC.

This is a great day for Manka Bros.!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

IT'S PLUMMETING!  SHOULD I BUY OR SELL?  PLEASE ADVISE.

KHAN MANKA, JR. - CHAIRMAN & CEO - MANKA BROS. STUDIOS

Today, I want to talk about my old friend - Dexter Clangfree.  He is dead.

In the 1970s, before I took over this horrible job from my uncle Harry as head of Manka Bros. Studios, I was in a band - King Khan.  We were very successful and we were great.  We played all over the San Fernando Valley and people loved us.  I think today people still know me more from my King Khan days than they do today - and I'm Chairman & CEO of the World's Largest Media Company.

Dexter Clangfree played bass and he rocked.  When we played "Freebird" or "Green Grass and High Tides", people sometimes forgot there were other members of the band (though not that often).  He was that good.  After I assumed the title of Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros., I lost touch with Dexter even though he tried to reach me on several ocassions - even to the point of completely humiliating himself in front of one of my assistants.  I mean, come on, we all need money, dude.

I got a note this morning that Dexter died last month while rocking in Des Moines.  He stayed true to himself - trying to play music until the end.  From what I hear, he was hit in the head with a bottle during "Born To Run" after he tried to grab the bass guitar from the bar band's bass player so he could join in.  He always just wanted to rock.  And now he's dead.  Good-bye Dexter Clangfree.

I always wonder what would have happened to me if I continued to pursue my music instead of going the giant media company route.  But then I realized, I'm in control of the world's largest music company, if I really wanted to, I could just go into the studio and make a CD with some of the world's best musicians.

That gives me a great idea.  Maybe I'll do that. 

Thanks Dexter.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

 

 

... Lloyd Grohl is NOT leaving Manka Bros. and going to Disney.  This was a bullshit story from the beginning and I'm not sure how that rumor got started.

Regardless of this story, we have renegotiated Lloyd Grohl's contract (basically doubling his salary and tripling his stock options).  He will be with the studio for another three years!  This is great news for everyone at Manka Bros.!

In order to pay for this unexpected expense, we have - effective immediately - terminated all of the Food Service and Janitorial employees.  What this means to everyone else is that you will either have to bring your own lunch or use our facilities to cook your own lunch (for a small fee).  You will also need to stock your own toilet paper in the bathrooms.  We are working on other solutions such as using paper plates so we don't need dishwashers, etc.  It's all thinking outside the box type stuff here people!

Keep working.

Khan Manka Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good afternoon.

Today I see on 'This Date in Manka History' that Joey Levitch was hurt while entertaining the troops the night before D-Day.  I've had the privilege of hearing this story first hand from Mr. Levitch (he kills me when I don't call him 'Joey' but this time 'Mr.' is appropriate).  He never fails to cry when telling this story.  And it's a cry that can only be understood by those who have seen war.

During a dance routine on June 5, 1944, he twisted his knee and had to be carried from the stage.  He was devasted that he wasn't able to participate in the first wave of the Normandy landing the next day.  In fact, he wasn't able to walk around too good until just after the war.  It must have been quite a tumble he took that night for the soldiers and, for that, the citizens of this country owe him a debt that could never be paid. 

Thank you, Mr. Levich!

Khan Manka, Jr.

Good morning.  I'm sure you're all aware of the fire at Universal Studios over the weekend.  If you were working at the Manka Bros. lot you couldn't help but see the smoke.  If you weren't working here over the weekend, you should be ashamed of yourselves because of the difficult year we're having.

I phoned the head of Universal, Ron Meyer, yesterday and offered any sort of help they might need (within reason).  I realize that their parent company, GE, is strapped for cash and might not be able to afford to rebuild everything that burned (and, from what I understand, they didn't have any insurance!). 

Ron Meyer and I have had our differences over the years (particularly over who really has the rights to "Jaws" and "E.T.") but I'm willing to put those aside during this difficult time for everyone at Universal.  I don't extend many olive branches because most people don't deserve them.  But this fire hit home for me and for Manka Bros. Studios.  Manka Bros. has burned to the ground fifteen times over the 90 year history of the studio.  It's just something that's in our blood.  So be good to your show business brothers and sisters at Universal for the next few days.

As part of my willingness to help them, I have offered our services to distribute The Incredible Hulk worldwide.  We'll make the prints and ship them out for a reduced 25% distribution fee.  It's the least we can do.  I'm just waiting to hear back.

Khan Manka Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning. 

Just so you know, I have no problems with anyone who would like to come into the office and work this weekend.  That would be just fine.  I also encourage everyone to go see our film December Spring which should have some competition from Indiana Jones and the Paradise of the Crystal Diamonds (I really don't know the name - someone email me the real name please).  I think our slightly smaller movie about carrier pigeons will definitely hold its own this weekend.  At least that's what Robin Rafe told me.

I was invited to Edgar Bronfman's house for a barbecue but I think I'll go to the Strawberry Festival in Oxnard instead.

Remember to keep meat cold right up until you barbecue.

Have a pleasant and thoughtful weekend,

Khan Manka, Jr.

... and my daughter, Connie, needs American Idol tickets.  Somebody please arrange for the tickets to be delivered in the next half hour.

I'm serious!  I need those tickets!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

To Emily Sachs and your team at the Manka Music Group:

Please have whomever is the head of Manka Bros. Records contact me.  I would like to sign Daughtry to a lifetime contract.  I don't care what it costs.  He will most likely be the greatest selling music artist in the history of music.

Manka Bros. Records needs Daughtry to get us through this terrible slump.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

It's 1:15. 

I'm supposed to have lunch by now. 

WHO HAS MY LUNCH? 

Bring me my lunch. 

I need my lunch. 

There are important meetings this afternoon and I NEED MY LUNCH!

Good morning,

As some of you may know, my ten year old daughter, Connie, plays the trombone.  She came home very upset on Friday because she wasn't accepted into the Temple Emanuel school band (I will take up this issue with the school Board of Directors separately).  She was crying all weekend.  But I have a solution to make her cheer up.

I noticed we have a show on MBS called "The Soloist: Rite Of Spring" in which members of the Sacramento Philharmonic are eliminated one by one until there is only one soloist left.  I would like my daughter, Connie, to be put on this show and DO NOT want her eliminated!  She is very fragile and winning this competition would help to make her happy again.

Make it so!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO, Manka Bros. Studios

Good afternoon, 

I was reminded by my assistant Jeanine (not Rachel - who is worthless) that 50 years ago today Manka Bros. signed a lifetime contract with the great Joey Levitch.  Joey Levitch is the reason Manka Bros. still exists today.  If it weren't for the enormous success of The Guy-brarian in 1964 this studio would have gone bankrupt.  But he was just getting started.  Throughout the 1960s, Mr. Levitch produced, directed, edited and starred in an unprecedented string of hits:

• The Shy-anne Warrior (1964)
• King of the Amazons (1965)
• The Try-Athlete (1966)
• Al, Quiet on the Western Front (1966)
• The "M"-Ephant (1967)
• The Not-zi (1967)
• Who's That Knoxing At My Fort (1968)

An amazing... amazing run of hits.  And per his lifetime contract, he made every one of them on a salary of $650 a week.  Some say it was a ridiculous contract for a star of his magnitude to sign but you must remember, he was just coming off an incredible scandal in which he (allegedly) punched Sylvia Plath in the face on his late night talk show.  At that point, he would have paid us to keep him employed (he married quite a few golddiggers during the 1950s and needed all the scratch he could put together). 

After The Gastronaut (1980) failed to reignite his career (or the fortunes of Manka Bros. during the difficult early 1980s), it was Manka Bros. who renegotiated Joey's lifetime contract - lowering his weekly amount to $350 a week (a decent chunk of change in 1981 - and, may I say, a decent chunk of change today).

Joey Levitch is a legend and attention must be paid!  He's done everything for this studio from being a legitimate film legend to Broadway (Gulag: A New Musical) to Audio Books (Finnegan's Wake) to Television (several guest appearances on MBS television shows - most recently as crazy Uncle Kasi on Baker's Dozen).  We almost named the Manka Legends Channel - the Joey Levitch Channel because so much of it is dedicated to his work (but he wanted a piece of the revenue and that's not in his lifetime contract).

We wish him the best of luck in whatever else he chooses to do for this glorious studio - a studio that wouldn't exist if it weren't for him.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO, Manka Bros. Studios

What the fuck was that?!!  Would it help if I read and made comments on all the scripts that we shoot?  I didn't laugh once!  Here's an example.

The 8:00 show on MBS is something called "Gut".  At the beginning of the episode, this fat guy that everyone calls "Gut" decides it would be great if they ordered the world's largest pizza in the morning and attempted to eat the entire thing by the end of the work day.  The entire episode was large people eating pizza and making jokes about eating pizza.  And, in the end, these lard asses couldn't even accomplish their goal!  They couldn't even finish it!  What kind of a message is that for kids?  Don't worry about accomplishing your goals?

IS THIS WHY MY UNCLE SPENT TIME IN JAIL FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHTS TO FREE SPEECH?!  If he didn't fight for the right to exhibit Clara Bow's homemade sex movies, there wouldn't be an "R" rating today.  That's right - no "Schindler's List", no "Smokey And the Bandit", no "Full Metal Jacket"!

If "Gut" is going to be a fat guy with no ambition who only wants to drink beer and eat pizza (why he has a hot wife is beyond me) then I want him to be the BEST FAT GUY WHO ONLY WANT TO DRINK BEER AND EAT PIZZA!  Not some lame ass guy that can't finish what he starts.  The same thing applies to all Manka Bros. employees.  You're all on Khan's List!

I go back to what I always say... COMEDIES SHOULD BE FUNNY!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Does anyone know where my keys are?  This is why my driver shouldn't be allowed to go on vacation!