Dear Billy:
My mommy and daddy were taking me to Disneyland and I was excited just like any kid would be when my daddy said--
--Tommy, do I need to pull this car over?
I didn't know how to answer this question.
Tommy Ralston, Age 4, Flagstaff, Arizona
Dear Tommy in Flagstaff:
I can answer this age-old question best from my own personal experience.
Last summer, my parents and I were driving across the country to the Manka Fun Park in Des Moines, Iowa. Even though I was too short for most of the rides, I was very excited to see the Animaltered™ Safari Live Stage Show and maybe get a few autographs from my favorite characters.
Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, I was bouncing around the back seat after wolfing down a Happy Meal™ with a large coke. My father turned back and said, "Billy, do I need to pull this car over?" I said, "Yeah, maybe you should." And he did. And we sat there on the side of the road until I fell asleep.
So unless you're prepared to sit on the side of the road until you fall asleep, the answer to your question is NO.
Dear Billy:
I was sitting on my mom's lap the other day and she suddenly covered my eyes with her hands and said--
--Where's mommy, Sally? PEEK!!! Where's mommy?
I knew she was right behind me. I was sitting on her lap for goodness sake! Was this some form of trick question? Was this a foreshadowing of my future without my mommy? Are mommy and daddy getting a divorce. I need answers, Billy!
Sally Rinzler, Age 3, Fargo, North Dakota
Dear Sally in Fargo:
Ah, yes, the old Where's Mommy? routine. When I was 3 back in '02, my mother played that little game with me and I just told her, 'You're right there. You're right in front of me, mother. If you want to play a more interesting game, why don't you go hide in the closet or something.'
I think I took the wind out of her sails a little bit, but she knew I was exceptional for my age going into that little game of Where's Mommy? We haven't played it since and soon after I started working for the magazine.
If you want to continue playing these toddler games, I would suggest you just GIGGLE and POINT TO YOUR MOM. If you want to grow up a little (at the cost of losing some of your innocence) you can give her a similar answer to what I said. Hope this helps.
Dear Billy:
While attempting to convince my mother that I didn't wish to eat a helping of peas that, despite her claims, WERE touching a helping of carrots, I was taken aback by her query
-- Will you stop that whining?!?!
I told her "no", but before I knew it I HAD finished the plate of ungodly nastiness. Everything is still a blur and I'm not sure what happened. Where did I go wrong?
Peter Costa, age 4, Tobor, Idaho
Dear Peter in Tobor:
If my four years on this planet has taught me nothing, it's that:
• Monkeys are funny
• It's called FINGER paint for a reason
• You put a couple of Apple Jacks up your nose and you're branded for life and
• You've better odds fending off a Hamburgler, than matching verbal wits with your own mother
Parents are cunning creatures my friend. Give a mom 5 minutes and she'll have you believing Barney's butt is orange. I mean, I love my mom as much as the next guy, but come on - show me a little respect and skip the chicanery. I may be young, but I wasn't born yesterday. While I may not know how to tie my shoes, I know #2 when I see it!
In short, the question "Will you stop whining?" is a trick - You see, to answer the question IS to stop. Take solace Peter. You weren't the first to fall for this trickery, and (unfortunately) you will not be the last.
The next time you're questioned about whining, you just hang tough - Tonka tough if need be. It's the only way we're going to hold our own in this ongoing struggle to keep our vegetables apart. Rest assured that one day we WILL win. I truly believe their gross underestimation of us will be their downfall. (I don't want to go so far as to say we are superior to them. All I'm saying is that WE'RE the ones whose pencils don't have erasers, and we get by just fine. I'll leave it at that.)
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