EXHIBIT D: A DINO-SIZED CONSPIRACY?

As if early bedtime, car seats and green stuff in your dinner wasn't enough pressure, now comes word from a "historical revisionist" out of America's northwest suggesting these creatures we call dinosaurs, in fact, did not actually roam the earth millions of years ago, as popularly believed.

"It's a bunch of hooey," claimed former University of Montana professor Clayton Burg at the 2000 Paleoriffic Convention. "For nearly two centuries, paleontologists have been pocketing government grant money and fabricating scientific evidence regarding the existence of dinosaurs."

Just spit in my Juicy Juice while you're at it.

What, many have asked, is a pre-schooler to believe now? Could it be that the very foundation upon which we base each and every day is complete hogwash?

"Never happened," continued Burg. "In the late 1800s, there was great pressure on historians and archaeologist to produce evidence of species which came before man. They dug and dug, to no avail. Many took their own lives. Finally, while sitting around a campfire in southern Canada one day, a drunk paleontologist named Virgil Hawkins, who was whittling a chunk of wood, decided what he held in his hand looked an awful lot like a giant reptile bone." Burg alleges Hawkins, who was nearly out of grant money, claimed the bone as a discovery, and found himself financed for the next five years.

Apparently, other scientists got wind of Hawkins tactics, and the conspiracy mushroomed. But where does that leave the Apastosaurus? The Triceratops? The dreaded T-Rex?

"For all intents and purposes, there was no so-called 'Tyrannosaurus'," Burg exclaimed to a shocked convention crowd. "I've investigated the areas where the T-Rex is alleged to have reigned. Taken soil samples. Ran tests. There is no proof of any systematic genocide of plant eaters by some mythic giant meat-eater. It's all propaganda."

Despite the fact that many present described Burg as "resembling Doc Brown from those Back To The Future movies, " his views have nonetheless greatly affected under-fives around the world.

Many have questioned the veracity of their voluminous dino book collections and have begun debating what's true and what's not.

"Historians have always maintained that dinosaurs walked the earth precisely a hundred million years ago," laments Jackson Campbell, age four. "It's like you start thinking, how do they know? Were they there, too? Nothing makes any sense anymore." Mr. Campbell then had to rush off to poop.

But while Burg's claims have provided Fruit Loops for thought, the established scientific community has roundly dismissed his credentials.

"Here is a man who was thrown out of U of M for encouraging his students to dig in the ground until they reached 'them damn chinkos in China." said American History Museum's Dan Clark. "He's absolutely ludicrous."

So don't trash that Parasaurolophus just yet, fellow bedwetters. We certainly haven't heard the last of this controversy. Take heart that at least there is documented proof that Hercules, Tarzan and Pinocchio did, in fact, exist. It says so in the FBI disclaimer at the beginning of each of those video tapes, which I've been told, I'll be able to read in just a few years.

Colin Geary is a frequent contributor to As Wee Speak.