The Economist - August 2008

Dear Economist:

You guys think you're so smart.

You're not.

You're stupid.

What do you have to say about that, tough guys?

Who's on the run now?

Where's your ball sack now?

You won't bring down my regime! I'm Ted! Come and get me!

Ted Raymond, Gulfport, MS

Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), February 2007 - Open Forum Smoking

Why Camel Cash Sucks Now, by Kitty Freedom

Remember in the good ol' days of cigarette sweepstakes when you could just go pick up an order form at your local convenience store, send in your C-Notes, Marlboro Miles or what have you, and get your stuff in six-to-eight weeks?

Even though you can buy cigarettes at 18, you still couldn't participate until you were 21. But all you had to do was check off a box and sign your name at the bottom of the order form. Now with all these damn NO SMOKING laws, it's nearly impossible to get your camel cash stuff! Nowadays you have to sit through a 15 minute questionnaire on the phone, have a valid ID matching your mailing address, complete an age-verification form and then not even overestimate (round up) how much camel cash you are actually sending them.

Most places don't even carry them anymore, so you have to call a 1-800 number. You used to just leave your name and address and they'd mail one out to you. But now, instead, before you even get the catalogue, mind you, they mail out an age-verification form. After a month or two go by, you usually have to order it again. Then, if you're lucky, you get it within the next two months, but usually it takes a few more orders before they finally mail one to you.

So then you have to send back a complete 'questionnaire' as well as a Xerox of your ID proving your age, a social security card or other proof of citizenship and BLOOD AND STOOL SAMPLES. After that you have to wait another two-to-six months for the catalogue to arrive.

Once you finally have the order form, C-Notes and all the rest shipped off, nearly a year has gone by since you first decided to send in your coupons for prizes - let alone when you first started collecting the darn things! So, after all that, it usually takes about six-to-eight weeks to get your stuff. Unless they find a miscalculation when counting your C-Notes...

I am an avid smoker, as well as a collector of camel cash and all things Joe Camel (may he rest in peace). I have stood quietly by as I was stripped of my right to smoke in malls, airplanes, restaurants, and lastly, and most hurtful of all, bars. Governments have taxes so high it's cheaper to just buy crack instead! But this is the absolute last straw, I can stay silent no longer. What about the smokers' rights?

So here's what I'm thinking... all you nic-fitters listen up.

There's more of us than they think. Yeah, we may be a little slower and find breathing deeply a little more challenging, but we're tough GOSH DARNIT! We're supporting a cash crop. We're supporting AMERICA! So I say we stand up for our rights. If NRA members can run around with machine guns and pro-lifers can kill baby killers and the bible belt can outlaw evolution then smokers should be able to order their freakin' camel cash stuff in six-to-eight weeks!

Miss Freedom is a senior editor of The Real Truth Magazine and an advocate of justice and truth for all.

Orbit Magazine, July 2007

Dear Sirs:

In your December issue, you listed the motion picture "Star Trek: Generations" as scheduled to broadcast on Galaxy 3, transponder 16 at precisely 5:45 p.m. PST, when in fact, it transmitted on Galaxy 5 transponder 15 at 6:45 p.m. Your misprint was inexcusable. Please cancel my subscription!

Nathan Sperra, Steamboat Springs, CO

Maxim, June 2002

Dear Sirs:

Your April '02 cover rocked my cock! How did you know my fantasy is three hot babes in lingerie chomping on cohibas? Do you spy on me? One quibble: couldn't you have had the girl on the end stick hers into her mouth a little deeper? I mean, what's the deal with you homos? Please cancel my subscription!

Trevor Jenkins, USMC Base 412, Ft. Wayne, Indiana

Tiger Beat, April 1996

Dear Sirs:

Your paltry coverage of the 1995 Little Miss Pageant was an insult to me and all the girls I compete with. How dare you trivialize our sizable contributions! I don't train six hours a day and blow my allowance on Mabelline for a fucking 1/4 inch in your pretentious, two-bit rag! My mommy thinks so, my daddy thinks so, and so does the man who lives unnoticed in our basement. By the by, would it kill you to give us more Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Don't make me cancel my subscription, you buttwipes!

Jon Benet Ramsey, Boulder, CO

Octogenarian, June 2002

Dear Sirs:

Score one for the old-timers! Your expose on the alarming spate of underground, late night "Gramp Fights" was unnerving and poignant. My neighbor's brother was forced into one such ring and he hasn't spoken a word since. I hope your incisive article sheds light on this dreaded blemish on the elderly. I smell a Pulitzer!

Ethel Theadokis, Wichita, KS