February 2009 Archives

As I descended the stairs from the Kodak Theatre balcony Sunday night, I spotted Kunio (Kato) in the lobby, jumping up and down.  I could alternately see his head poking out of the crowd, then his Oscar.  When we met up, he was so elated and speaking Japanese a mile-a-minute.  After shaking hands with countless grey-bearded Academy members, Kunio sighed and announced, "Let's party!!!!"  We high-fived and headed for the exit.
 
First stop:  Governor's Ball.  By the time we got to the entrance, the Fire Marshalls had arrived and determined that the tent was overcrowded and no one else could be let in.  I was heartbroken for Kunio.  His first time at the Oscars, he wins, and he can't go to the Governor's Ball for God's sake!  But he was a total mensch about it.  He smiled and insisted we start hitting the other hot soirees around town.
 
Second stop:  Manka Bros. Annual Academy Award Night fundraiser for Moguls Find Lost Kittens, at the Bellaj Banquet Hall in Burbank.  When we entered, a cover band was playing Kajagoogoo's "Too Shy" and we were immediately surrounded by the drunk guys from the Studio Event Planning department, who were pretty much the only ones there.  I spotted Kyle from Maintenance sitting in a stupor in the corner.  Nadine, the seventy-something front gate guard, was solo grind-dancing in the middle of the dancefloor.  There was no food and Kunio was starving.  After he pounded a shot of Jamesons, one of the marketing guys, Cameron, approached him holding two rescued kitties, which caused Kunio to recoil and convulse.  Through his mangled English, I heard him shout, "Allergic!", so I quickly hustled him out of the hall.  In the car, Kunio's throat mercifully only closed up 30%.
 
Third Stop:  The 2nd Annual Circuit City Feed The Fish fundraiser at The Fifth bar in North Hollywood, to call attention to the plight of famished sea creatures around the globe.  Only shrimp was being served, and Kunio hates shrimp.  "I Feel Good" played over and over again on the jukebox.  Attendees included Lauren Tewes, former Yankee second baseman Chuck Knoblauch, city councilman Tom LaBonge and his lovely wife, singer-songwriter Pete Yorn, and TV's Richard Karn.  Kunio posed for a photo with a toothless barfly named Malcolm, pounded a shot of Jager, then whispered to me that he "didn't dig the vibe", so we headed out.
 
When we were in the car, Kunio got a text message from Konstantin Bronzit urging us to join he and the other Short Film nominees at Avalon, where Prince was about to take the stage.  But Kunio told him he had a more exciting destination in mind.  He suddenly demanded I stop at the Studio City Animal Hospital. 

After he made the staff confirm that there were no cats in the immediate area, he burst through the doors and into the operating room, deftly assisting the Veterinarian in a golden retriever's gall bladder removal.  I watched as he held the gall bladder aloft, a single tear rolling down his face.  It meant more to him than five Academy Awards.
 
He was silent and pensive as we made our way back to my townhouse.  In his bedroom, he reverently placed his Oscar on a shelf right next to a jar containing the gall bladder, then drifted off into a deep, satisfying slumber.
 
Apparently, in the middle of the night, he booty-called Tomoko, then went off and got some.  Hey, Oscar winners gotta get laid.  If they don't, what the hell's the point?

Kurt Barnet

Oscar Sunday.  6 am.  I am awakened by the TV and what sounds like a woodpecker.  In the kitchen, I discover Kunio (Kato) making sushi rolls while watching "Footloose" on Encore.  He asks me if I want a Sushi roll.  I decline, saying I've never had sushi before.  He appears hurt and offended.  I politely eat sushi roll.  Feel queasy and lightheaded for entire day.
 
8 am.  Kunio insists I take him to Swap Meet.  The only one I can find open on a Sunday is in Santa Fe Springs.  He purchases 3 desklamps, tortoise paperweight, laserdisc player and Scott Baio t-shirt.  It takes us 2 and a half hours to get out of parking lot.
 
1 pm.  Tux shop to pick up Kunio's tux.  All they have left is powder blue with ruffle collar shirt.  Kunio falls to his knees and weeps.  I make frantic call to Tomoko who works in my office.  Her brother plays weddings, has black tux and is Kunio's size.  When we go to pick it up, Kunio kisses Tomoko full on the lips.  She doesn't stop him.  They make out for several minutes.
 
3 pm.  Luxury towncar scheduled to arrive to take us to Kodak Theatre.  Shuttle van arrives, containing two other short-film nominees, Steven Okazaki and Konstantin Bronzit.  Driver tells us we need to stop and get Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand.  They and their guests cause overcrowding in van.  Kunio and I are forced to share seatbelt.
 
4:30 pm.  Kodak Theatre.  The van is stopped 1/4 of mile from venue, security tells us we must walk rest of way and use side entrance.  Despite Kunio's guest ticket for me, security does not let me pass, saying I look like gate crasher from last year who is on watchlist.  I spend 45 minutes in cramped supply closet being questioned alongside a sweaty A.R. Rahman.
 
5:15 pm.  After my ID is verified, I am dragged from closet and quickly escorted down backstage hallway.  See Jack Black hitting on redheaded trophy presenter.  Spot Hugh Jackman looking into mirror repeating, "Red leather, yellow leather".  Get dirty looks from Price Waterhouse goons.  Am told by P.A. that seat next to Kunio has been given to Head Seat Filler.  Am relegated to rear balcony.  10 minutes into show, either sushi roll or opening number wreak havoc on my digestive system.  Spend rest of show in upper bathroom.
 
6:51 pm.  Bathroom.  4 young "Slumdog Millionaire" cast members barricade weaker cast member in stall next to mine to prevent him from meeting Will Smith.  Moments later, he crawls out.
 
7:23 pm.  Bathroom.  Overhear Harvey Weinstein talking to assistant about how much he'd like to bone Kate Ledger.
 
7:46 pm.  Bathroom.  Person whom I identify as Cleve Jones takes wide stance in stall next to mine.  There is tapping.
 
8:15 pm.  I emerge from bathroom to discover that Kunio won Oscar for Best Animated Short.  Get so excited, have to return to bathroom.
 
Next Reel Suite Entry:  Kunio and the after-parties!

Good morning my Blog-o-holics.  I have just now emerged from what was perhaps the most exciting 48 hours of my professional career.  As many of my co-workers have been let go in the last several weeks and my Profits & Participations department is frighteningly threadbare, I was assigned the task of escorting one of our newly signed filmmakers to the 81st Annual Academy Awards ceremony, an experience I will share with you soon enough, but first, a little background on Manka Bros.' latest strategy to develop a stable of short-film talent.
 
It is common knowledge that no feature film released in 2008 has turned a profit.  Between soaring budgets, co-fi deals, star backend participation and just plain shoddy accounting, the smart production entities are focused more and more on short-form content, which can garner notoriety on the festival circuit and at year-end awards time, not to mention the popularity it can achieve on the internet.  67% of short films in 2008 turned a profit for their investors, as opposed to 31% of feature films.  Profit margins were 16% greater for short films, as well.  Our "Lil' Diamonds" shingle within our Manka Shorts division, with its dedicated staff of three, has been given $26,423 and ordered to produce 136 short films in 2009, with the mandate to "push the envelope, think outside the box and go viral, baby, viral".
 
With that in mind, Manka Bros. last week signed director Kunio Kato, who at the time was merely an Oscar nominee for his animated short, "La Maison en Petits Cubes".  He is contractually obligated to craft 10 films featuring hangdog characters and squiggly animation.  Since Mr. Kato knew no one else in town, he asked the Manka Bros. execs if one of them could accompany him to the ceremony, to "help with his English and to locate bathroom".  Many of our senior execs were not available due to Mr. Manka's insistence that they remain in the office during the Oscars to "reflect on the missteps which caused Manka Bros. to not receive one single nomination".  So my boss, Mark Devere, asked me if I'd be willing to step in, and I told him I was more than up for the challenge, as long as my dry cleaners could do a rush job on my one funeral suit.
 
On Saturday around 11 pm, Kunio called me at home.  I could tell he'd been drinking.  He lowered his voice and said very seriously, "Cheeseburger... I remember eat cheeseburger".  Sensing my confusion, he howled with laughter and cried, "I am not a crook!"  Turns out, he got hammered at a DGA screening of "Frost/Nixon".  He couldn't remember which hotel he had checked into, so he asked me if he could stay the night at my townhouse in Tarzana.  I agreed and picked him up in an alley behind the Laugh Factory, where he was sharing a joint with Bob Sarlatte. 

On the ride back, he found my cassette tape of Kilroy Was Here by Styx and popped it in.  When "Mr. Roboto" came on, he cranked it and listened in reverential silence.  He played it over and over, and by the 4th time, he was singing along with it. 

He was still uttering the lyrics as I tucked him into bed, a huge grin on his face.  Tomorrow would be one of the biggest days of his life.
 
Next entry, Oscar day and night.  Stay tuned...