November 2009 Archives

Greetings from the Profits and Participations Department!  First off, let me take this opportunity to apologize for heating up my leftover tuna casserole in the microwave oven here on our floor.  I've been informed that's a workplace olfactory no no.  Also, mea culpa to Tomoko:  The booby brush in the elevator this morning was purely accidental.  And FYI - the phones have been repaired and are up and running again.  The technician informed me that the residual high-pitched noise you hear now is extremely unlikely to cause brain damage but may increase the amount of howling from neighborhood dogs.
 
The senior VPs asked me to use this week's blog to inform everyone about our aggressive plan to market Manka Bros. product to audiences via cutting edge technology.  To that end, Chairman & CEO Khan Manka Jr. has promoted Doug Lehan from Digital Animation Lead Illustrator to Chief Technology Officer, effective immediately. 

I spoke with Doug on the phone a short time ago, and here's what he had to say:  "I'm very excited about taking over this post.  The best part is I won't have to spend all day in a motion capture suit.  I have so many ideas about new media platforms and how best to provide the tech-savvy consumer with quality Manka Bros. movies and TV shows.  I plan to work hand-in-hand with the marketing department to achieve this."
 
Lloyd Grohl announced this morning that head of Marketing Craig Sorenson has been replaced with Kevin Griffin from the hot rock band Better Than Ezra, in an effort to reach out to the youth of today. 

In addition, fourteen marketing department employees have been let go, including the radiant and sexy Tania Chimello, who often sat at the table next to mine in the commissary.  I'll never forget the extra glow she had on Tostada Tuesdays.  She was always very excited about Tostada Tuesdays.  She'd make my heart skip a beat every time she'd say to me, "Could you please move a few tables over?" 

This business is brutal on human relationships.  Just when you give your heart to a fellow employee, they are taken away from you, all too soon.  It never gets any easier.
 
I was curious if Doug had a game plan in mind yet:  "Are you kidding?  My cranium spilleth over", he said.  "I'm like a kid in a candy store.  There is so much new laser technology the average person doesn't know about yet.  I mean, we're talking space age stuff.  I'm hoping to promote our new movie "Flaccid Trip" with free screenings at skateparks.  We're gonna project it onto concrete walls from overhead drone projectors that will fly in and hover over the parks.  Hundreds of eager teenagers will be looking to the skies, eagerly anticipating the arrival of our Manka Drones.  We also plan to have an iPhone app that will allow audience members in movie theatres to press a button and release the movie they're watching directly onto DVD - themselves!  So they can watch it again when they get home!  No other studio is doing this kind of thing."
 
How do you sort out artist compensation for all of these myriad platforms? 
 
"Screw the artists!  Just kidding," he remarked.  "Fortunately, the contract artists sign covers existing and not-yet-existing technology.  I'm inventing stuff as we speak.  Refrigerator holograms, rearview mirror projection, exhibition on a special line of 3D Manka sunglasses.  Everywhere the public turns, we'll be there.  We snapped up the domain name BigTitsAndAsses.com, on which we will broadcast exclusive web-only episodes of our TV shows.  Who wouldn't go to that website?  Come for the big tits and asses, stay for outtakes from 'Murder, Moses Lake.'"
 
Well, my mom won't be able to figure out all these new gadgets, but who gives a crap about my mom?  She's not our target demographic.  It's very clear that the world of entertainment will never be the same.  Nor will Tostada Tuesdays...

Reel Suite with Kurt Barnet