(Display Name not set)December 2009 Archives

Seasons Greetings to all Manka Bros. employees!  Or should I say Seasons Sneezings. 

The entire P&P department has been passing around one bug after the other.  My sinuses have been more inflamed than a jihadist at a Baghdad police recruiting station.  My apologies go out to all who witnessed my neti potting over the kitchen sink on Tuesday.  The bathrooms were being cleaned and I just had no choice.  The neti pot is a cruel, cruel mistress. 
 
Cubicle Christmas decoration regulation update from corporate:  Each employee is allowed 1 snowglobe, 2 ornaments and a strand of garland no longer than 4 feet in length.  Demi in accounting was escorted from the building last week for erecting a mini-tree on her desk and hanging mistletoe, causing a long line of junior analysts snaking from her desk to the copy machine, reducing productivity by 31%.  It broke my heart to see her carrying that box of cheer out of the office.  All we have left now is Seamus's new yuletide recording, "Christmas Cuts Tru Da Heart", which plays on a loop over the ceiling speakers.
 
The execs asked me to report the latest tracking figures for our holiday movies being released over the next three weekends.  The marketing department has been working overtime getting the word out about them, despite the Chairman having turned off their water and heat and blocking late night food deliveries until they produced award-winning campaigns. 

This Friday's big budget disaster epic, "Engulfed", depicting the complete destruction of the southern U.S. by giant piranha, has garnered mixed reviews from preview audiences, with the best numbers coming from north of the Mason-Dixon line.  A New Orleans screening resulted in a melee and a movie screen ripped to shreds.  It has a 16 awareness level, with many scoring it either "Hard To Ignore" or "A Must to Avoid". 

Also opening this weekend, Highbrow's "Reconveyance", an unapologetic indie about the sex lives and overindulgence among the employees of a corrupt mortgage lender during the economic meltdown.  It has a 4.5 awareness based on its trailer, with 85% calling it "Irresponsible" or "Reprehensible".
 
December 18th holds the long awaited arrival of the outrageous comedy, "Flaccid Trip", which rates highest among the cast's family members. 

The original bus bench ads and billboards depicting what appeared to be a non-erect penis were pulled after vehement protests from the Family Decency Council, but the controversy has raised the film's awareness level from 20.2 to 23.6.  Thank you FDC! 

Marketing is confident that it will provide excellent counter-programming to "Avatar" and "Nine", going after the largely ignored heterosexual crowd.
 
Christmas Day sees the release of "Earnest", Baz Lurhmann's lavish re-imagining of Oscar Wilde's play "The Importance of Being Earnest", which features the characters of Jack and Algy as 19th Century crime-solvers pursuing the murder of Lady Bracknell.  Lurhmann, ever the perfectionist, insisted that the actors wear only clothing stitched during the Victorian era, and has claimed that the film features "more explosions than any period piece ever made".  Despite a $70 million ad campaign, the movie is tracking at only 14, rating highest among those suffering from shingles.
 
Recently, I was privileged to attend a studio screening of Highbrow's Christmas Day offering, "Haggis and Highlands", an acquisition from the Scottish Film Bureau, from first-time director Kaelen MacPelgy, chronicling the true life struggles of a man who lived his entire life in the wild among a family of Orkney vole. 

Highbrow's execs asked me to attend the screening, accompanying the hot new actress from "Precious", Gabourey Sidibe, whom the boutique indie is courting.  I was hoping to ask Tomoko to go with me, so I had a bad attitude going in. 

We sat in awkward silence before the lights went down, but throughout the movie I occasionally glanced over at her, the flickering images illuminating her slackjawed mouth, her half-mast eyes.  Such effortless, incandescent beauty.  When at a crucial moment in the movie she shouted out, "Oh this is bullshit", she thoroughly captured my heart.  As she snored, I clasped her hand in mine, our palm sweat conjoined as one.  I thought we made a deep connection during that three and a half hour period of time, so I was surprised that she declined my post-screening invitation to Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor to share a zoo with me.  I watched forlornly as she waddled away from me, short of breath, another captivating soulmate slipping through my fingertips.
 
On the drive home, I imagined myself living among a gaggle of forest creatures, decorating a pine tree with Demi's forbidden box of twinkling lights and bulbs.  Perhaps that is where I was meant to be, where I was meant to find my purpose.  I could almost hear the pastoral sound of the animals, chirping, purring, gnawing at my ears and ankles, if not for the honking of the cars behind me on the 101.  I was doing only 25 MPH and had sideswiped a Range Rover.  No bother.  I was in my happy place.
 
"Haggis" is tracking at 3.5, but the producers hope that the bearded man on the poster causes audiences to think of Santa Claus.
 
Happy Holiday neti potting to all!

Kurt Barnet - Reel Suite