Because of the inflexibility of this crappy blogging software, my people have moved my blog here...

http://mankabros.com/blogs/chairman/

Please enjoy the new features as I continue in my quest to reveal all of my powerful mogul friends' most personal secrets.  Just kidding - I'll only reveal Bob Iger's secrets.  Everyone else is safe.

FYI, there are hundreds of old entries which must be transferred and this will take time - so those items will remain here and this blog will stay up as an archive (though Comments have been closed).

 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good morning. 

Following an all night film strategy brainstorming session, I am pleased to announce Manka Bros. has committed to produce a $250 million reimagining of the classic children's fairy tale "Hey Diddle Diddle". 

This is a mighty big bet for the studio and a decision I don't make lightly.  

And while it seems that every studio in town is doing a fairy tale remake right now (Red Riding Hood and Jack the Giant Killer at Warners, Hansel & Gretel at Paramount and there are THREE Snow White movies in various stages of development, etc.), I think we have hit on a concept that will definitely help "Hey Diddle Diddle" break through the clutter.

In the story's current form, you have a Cat playing a Fiddle, a Cow jumping over the Moon, a Dog laughing and Dish running away with a Spoon... silly stuff that doesn't translate to a long form feature film - much less the elements of a movie anyone over four would want to see.

Problem solved. 

We're going to take the same classic characters and set the story in a Soviet gulag work camp in the 1930s.  This will allow us to dig deep into the psyches of these characters.

What makes the cow jump over the moon?  Freedom. 

Why does the dish run away with the spoon?  Forbidden love. 

Why is the cat playing the fiddle?  Because Stalin likes music and if the cat doesn't play, he dies. 

Stuff like that.  Very powerful.

And while we don't have a screenwriter, director or cast set, we do have a release date:  July 4, 2012.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning,

I noticed on today's This Date In Manka History (March 11, 1958) that 53 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon died.  The next day, March 12, 1958, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.  My asshole father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on March 11, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time. 

He dubbed Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in their homeland of Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. 

Many of you may be reading in the press about the attempted overthrow of the Yemeni President and wonder how that will affect the construction of the Manka Fun Park - Yemen - which is scheduled to open later this year. 

I think as long as the protesters don't destroy any Manka Bros. property (especially the new $5 million Camel Hump Roller Terror in 3D), I'm OK with it. 

Getting this theme park built has been a nightmare and over the past few months we've really hit a lot of brick walls with the current regime and had to pay out way too many cartons of cigarettes in order to keep construction going.  Perhaps new leadership on the side of the people will help expedite theme park construction.

So... after much thought and despite the imploring of other studio moguls, I have made my decision:  EVEN DURING THIS TIME OF REVOLUTION, THE THEME PARK CONSTRUCTION WILL CONTINUE.

The people of Yemen have lived under a dictatorship for too long and deserve roller coasters and the All-New Broadway Re-Zoo starring Joey Levitch!

And, this is the right decision for Manka Bros. and its shareholders - because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment.  Bob Iger at Disney has been too busy concentrating on China and Disney Junior to realize where the real money is.  Loser.  We will have the Yemen market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we'll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

To all the acquisition and distribution executives at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogma, Manka Docs and the new Manka Mumblecore - due to the absolutely shitty year you all had in 2010, you will not be attending the Sundance Film Festival this year. 

If you desperately feel the need to attend in order to bid on a movie starring Patricia Clarkson and Sam Rockwell about people who have no idea how to cope in a world filled with so much suffering, then I suggest you quit your job and start a new company that specializes in distributing videos shot on camcorders.

When times are good, Manka Bros. has no trouble throwing away money at meaningless film festivals.  (Am I the only one that feels that the films are only shown to kill time in between parties?)  And, yes, sometimes we even get lucky - for instance, when we picked up the rights to Snuffing Out The Magic Fury (which will finally open next month after extensive recuts and reshoots and recasts). 

But, too bad, junior executives, there will be no more $600 a night rooms with $1,000 a night "entertainment" bar tabs while you try to sleep with 22-year-old "directors" who would do anything to get their $300 film about an autistic coal miner distributed by a major Hollywood studio.

I realize you've probably already purchased your $400 ski caps that you were planning on wearing throughout the festival because independent film makers are way too cool to shower (and, of course, you have to be just like them).  I guess you'll have to return the clothes at lunch today.

We have a new theatrical policy here at Manka Bros. - WE WILL NOT PRODUCE OR DISTRIBUTE ANY FILM THAT DOES NOT MAKE MONEY!

So for the young writers and directors of the world who make films about:

• The various plights of high school geeks growing up in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s;
  
• Immigrants trying to survive in modern day Mobile, Alabama;
• Poets trying to break free from their oppressive capitalist "day jobs"
• Cancer movies of every size and shape;
  
• (and, my favorite) Movies about filmmakers trying to get their films made in Hollywood where everyone who works at a studio is some kind of idiot...

I'm sorry, you'll have to find some other sucker to distribute your story that MUST BE TOLD. 

I hear The Weinstein Company actually has some money to spend this year (thanks to The King's Speech and the surprising disappearance of all that debt racked up in the past decade).  Go ahead and take your precious little film to Harvey Weinstein.  He's not hard to find at a film festival - he'll be the one smoking.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. 

First off, to all of my friends who are badly hungover this morning - I'm told the Circus Circus Buffet will clean out your system pretty well.  And to all my friends who are still drunk from last night [there are some claps and hoots from the audience] - well done - but pace yourselves, gentlemen and ladies, there are three more drunken days yet to go. 

Especially you, Bob Iger!  [Bob Iger, in the front row, howls like a wolf.]  Last night, we were at Caesar's drinking on Cleopatra's Barge and Bob said he was going to close the place down.  I had to remind him it was a casino in Vegas and they don't close!

Anyway, let's get started.  How about a joke?  What do you call someone who was a nerd in high school but went on to makes billions in technology and basically changed the way we live our lives?  A nerd.

I'm not here today as an ally to the consumer electronics industry.  Frankly, you can all F yourselves.  I'm here to say to all you geeks and computer dorks who think you can tell Hollywood how to entertain the world that today HOLLYWOOD FIGHTS BACK!

I don't give a shit about your new phone.  I don't give a shit about the "digital cloud" you built to hold all my media files - if you guys really want to be useful, develop a killer App that will clean and organize my garage.  And I don't give a shit about being able to perfectly simulate a Vietnam jungle battle in my family room.

Seriously, why do I need a new phone and new television every fucking year?  When I was a growing up in the 1960s we had one innovation - color television.  That lasted us 20 years until we had a VCR that could play tapes of movies.  That lasted us 20 years until we had DVD players that could play DVDs of movies. 

If you freakin' tech idiots would have left well and good alone, we Hollywood studios would still be raking in billions from DVD sales and my friend Sumner Redstone wouldn't have to sell his plasma just to pay the rent.  That's a joke, he actually has other people sell their plasma to pay his rent.

So today, on behalf of Manka Bros. - The World's Largest Media Company - and my studio mogul brethren, I ask the consumer electronics industry to stop the innovation. 

Stop making my toaster check the traffic before I leave home. 

Stop telling the world which bars and prostitutes I have visited. 

Stop having these pointless trade shows that only exist so that media executives can act like they're working but are really just partying in Vegas [many 'boos' from the crowd].  Imagine the turnout CES would have if it were held in Akron every year.

Stop everything you're doing and let us premium content creators go back to doing what we do best -  entertaining the world.  Don't you morons understand we just want to make movies and television shows?  It's killing us to constantly spend our time reconfiguring formats to fit the new phone in our hand or the chip in the back of our brains. 

We just want it to be 2003 again.  So either join us or get the fuck out of our way because we are going backwards and will do everything it takes to do things the way we have always done them.  Capisce?

Google, Microsoft and Facebook are not the studios of the future.  Audiences can only watch so many movies about computer nerds who save the world and date robot women.

Questions?

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company 

Due to the shitty year Manka Bros. has had at the box office, the crappy television shows that were produced for our horrible television networks, declining music sales and the frightening losses in our Publishing Group, I have decided to cancel the 2010 Manka Bros. Employee Holiday Party that was to be held at the Nokia Theater and the other surrounding L.A. Live venues and restaurants. 

I have requested L.A. Live management to return our substantial deposit.  I know many of you were looking forward to seeing Eminem, Lady Antebellum and Seamus (who also must return their deposits).  Too bad.  If you're better at your jobs next year, maybe we'll try something like this again.

But I don't want you to get absolutely nothing from your employer for the Holidays - so for the next week, the Cafeteria is offering 10% off one slice of pizza. 

Have a safe Holiday season and let's make 2011 a year that doesn't suck.  

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

FYI, I'll be at my house in the Seychelles until January 6, 2011.

Good morning.  Today is a very exciting day (much more exciting than that stupid Apple iTunes/Beatles thing).

Today, I announce that Facebook's reign over the world's brains is coming to an end!
 

• No longer will 50 year olds spend hours every day buying little pigs for their digital farms.

• No longer will last night's drunken photos greet you first thing in the morning (posted by the designated driver who didn't have a drop).

• No longer will brain cells be lost because instead of actually reading books you only post a Status Update of the books you claim to be reading.

No, World, Manka Bros. is your only Friend now - because in 2011, CALIGULA IS COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THE SOUL SUCKAGE THAT IS FACEBOOK!

Unfortunately, this morning I can only share with you the proposed logo (see image) and the promise that, yes, indeed, Caligula will kill Facebook.  How?  Through superior engineering, an unmatched global marketing infrastructure and a deep pocketed parent company that isn't afraid to lose a few Billion to win this fight!

While I can't give out any details of this exciting new platform, I can assure you that Caligula is already six times better than Facebook and it hasn't even launched.  When it does launch (2011), it will be over ten times better. 

Mankaneers around the world have been working around the clock for years preparing for this war.

The ultimate battle for your free time will be joined in 2011.  Won't you join us?

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

In response to my friend Eric Schmidt's announcement that every employee of Google will receive a $1,000 bonus and a 10% raise, I am announcing a $1,001 bonus and 10.1% raise to the Senior Management team at Manka Bros.

Unfortunately, because of the horrible year we are having at the box office and in our Television Group, we are forced to reduce the salaries of everyone below Senior Vice President in order to pay for this salary increase. 

The salary reduction and bonus elimination (effective immediately) for VPs and below and support staff will range from 10.1% to 25%.

[Please note:  Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) and Robin Rafe (President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group) will not be receiving these bonuses because they really REALLY suck at their jobs.]

If you happen to see any senior management around the studio lot today, be sure and give them a nice congratulations wave (but try not to make eye contact).

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. 

Because of the recent news that mail bombs were sent from Yemen in an attempt to blow up two Chicago-area synagogues, several people have inquired about Manka Bros.' plans to build a billion dollar Manka Fun Park in Yemen.

After much thought and despite the imploring of other studio moguls, I have made my decision:  THE THEME PARK CONSTRUCTION WILL CONTINUE.

Just because there are a few terrorists trying to blow up everything in the United States doesn't mean that the rest of the people of Yemen don't deserve roller coasters and the All-New Broadway Re-Zoo starring Joey Levitch!

While it has been a long slog through the bureaucratic muck and construction of the park has been slow due to increased terror threats, political turmoil and badly handled wire transfers, things are moving along.

Because of all those hurdles, I thought the opening would have to be pushed back a few months (or years), but I was reassured yesterday by the Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh that since labor costs in that country are non-existent and there are no overtime rules (are you listening America?), the scheduled opening will easily be met. 

That's the beauty of a dictatorship!

This is great news for Manka Bros. because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment.  Bob Iger at Disney has been too busy concentrating on China to realize where the real money is.  Loser.  We will have the Yemen market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we'll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios